Woot Woot!

Short blog today.

Quick update for those of you following my weight-loss progress:

I am happy to say I finally dropped below the 200 lb. mark. Woohoo!

I haven't lost as much weight as quickly as the last time, but that's ok. I feel a lot better and am much happier. Even 5 lbs. makes a difference.

The visible difference in stomach bloating is probably my favorite part. No more looking pregnant!

The fat lady's aria

The sky has fallen, the end is near.

Adam knew a word I didn't.

It wasn't even related to farming.

We started back on hard core phase 1 of South Beach, as of Monday morning. Monday evening we were in Peoria and trying to figure out where we could eat dinner and have more options than a garden salad. Harder than one might think. White bread is EVERYWHERE!

I was near meltdown status, because everything I wanted included flour, pasta, fries, etc. Finally, I narrowed it down to 2 choices, but could not decide.

Adam said, "Well, you'll get more 'utils' out of the chicken."

I started cracking up. WTF are utils? It sounds like noodles but with a u. Sounds like a made-up word, if you ask me. He proceeded to inform me that they're a unit of measurement regarding enjoyment.

All throughout dinner, I could not focus on anything but this mystery word, which I still didn't believe was actually a word. By the time we got in the car, I had to bust out the blackberry and find out once and for all. Dictionary.com had no listings, but the thesaurus sure did. He was absolutely right.

Unfreakingbelievable.

He thought it was fantastic and decided he would start reading the thesaurus every day just to find a vocab word I don' t know. Ass.

More like fatty patty...

Speaking of my lacking skinny minnie status, here's a diet update:

I haven't lost any weight since I last blogged about it. I also have not exercised or followed tooooo closely to the SB plan. Amazing how that works...eat less than healthy food, drink, don't work out and you don't lose weight. I should write a book about the anti-diet. Whoops!

The good news, though, is that I also haven't gained any weight. Lest you all think I'm a whiner, I've chosen not to blog about it on a daily, or even weekly, basis. Hard to blog about how nothings happening when you're not doing anything to make it happen.

That's all in the past. We purchased a Wii with the EA sports active package recently and haven't killed ourselves yet! We've started walking the dog more, and just making a concerted effort to MOVE more. Hopefully it will pay off. So that's where I stand; thank you all for your questions. Maybe next week I will have something more exciting (less weight) to report.

FINALLY!

More breaking celebrity news, thanks to People.com:

My favorite (and I use that term loosely) people.com blogger Marissa Jaret Winokur's latest post is, as usual, wonderfully intelligent.

She fell off the diet wagon, y'all.

How did this late-breaking news travesty occur, you might ask?

She was setting up a birthday party for her son and had, ahem, GLASS JARS FULL OF CANDY sitting out at her house. But, not only that, she set them out a WEEK BEFORE THE PARTY!

HELL-LOOOO!

Am I really the only one who finds this level of stupidity to be mind-boggling? I've met 5 yr olds smarter than this chick!

I'm no skinny minnie myself anymore but, dear Lord, if I went around eating jars of candy for a week at a time I'd have more rolls than the Michelin Man. I realize I'm going on and on, but I just cannot believe people actually read her blog for inspiration!

Whatever. I'm just glad Walter Cronkite got more coverage than MJ for a couple days.

Clean up, aisle 4

It's been forever since I blogged, so here's a random assortment of things I've been thinking about lately.

1. 200 lbs on the dot! Hey, it's only 3 lbs, but HEY IT'S 3 LBS! Woot!

Ty, skip #2

2. The ring worked! I've never had a pill work on the first try, but the ring did. Woot!

3. Here's how stupid I am. I was cleaning out our old house to prepare for renters, which included steam cleaning the carpet. I was setting up some new box fans to speed the drying process, and hopefully eliminate the molding process but, apparently, this box fan had feet. I think they all do, but at the time I was mystified. So what do I do? SIT ON THE WET FLOOR to try and figure out how these stupid feet go on the fan. The phrase "what's up your butt?" took on a whole new meaning...because I had sand up my butt, and let me tell you...that shit hurts. Talk about a raw crack. More importantly, talk about a dirty floor. Gross.

4. Every so often, I check out the local paper, The Mason County Democrat. I have never seen a paper that prints the "sheriff's report." The Sheriff's Report includes 911 calls, tickets, emergencies and the like. Here are some excerpts from the 5/27 edition.

"5/12 at 8:48 am: Rural Easton, suspicious man coming into yard."
"5-12 at 5:34 pm: Forest City, report that someone tried to abduct her child."
"5-13 at 3:51 am: Manito, suspicious vehicle 'shinning' light around." Yes, that's right, shinning, not shining. This new lingo appears more than once. God forbid a newspaper have spell check.
"5-14 at 8:47 am: Rural Havana, assist motorist whose 'care' broke down." Should we send a Care Bear?
My personal favorite, however, is this one:
"5/16 at 1:26 pm: Rural Topeka, complaint about 15 tractors on blacktop, 15-20 people on a trailer drinking, tractors are passing each other."
That, my friends, is my first appearance in the sheriff's report. It was the annual poker run. Most people who passed us waved (or waved their own beer cans...) as they passed us by. No one was causing any trouble and, as I said, this has been going on for about 8 years now. Wouldn't you have loved to hear the 911 operator on the other end of that call. "Well sir/ma'am, I was actually supposed to be on the poker run myself, but I had to work, so instead I'm talking to you." There were probably 60 people on the poker run. If the police really cared that this event goes on, there's been 8 years that they could've shut it down, not to mention...it's pretty easy to track down a line of 15 tractors pulling trailers. Give me a break.

There was 1 good ticket in the sheriff's report as well.
"5/16: (name removed) San Jose, no insurance, disobeyed stop sign, leaving the scene of property damage accident, failure to report accident to police, too fast for conditions-accident." Sounds like someone's going to have a bad day in court!
(all information taken from the Mason County Democrat 5/27 issue)


5. The past week has turned up some good quotes, for entertainment purposes only.

At Larry's last week:

Adam: "Well when you don't want anyone else to eat them, you chew it up and spit it out, then no one can re-sell it." I guess he was talking about wings...but that's not what it sounds like to me!

Ty: How's the house coming, Keri?
Keri: My house is fine, I'm almost done unpacking.
Randy: OUR house.
Keri: What I meant is, my house, which is located right next to Randy's shed.

Lauren H: Just so you know, I love Dick's. (the sporting goods store, of course...)

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

You can't make this shit up

Who goes on a diet and gains weight?

ME! WTF?!

202.6 is not a happy place.

I did have a not so good weekend, food-wise, but still...2 days should not be allowed to ruin everything.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress...when there is some! I'm off to clean, and I mean C-L-E-A-N, the old house today...so maybe that will burn some extra calories. Then again...we turned the A/C off at that house, so if it gets to a million degrees inside...I'll probably just quit cleaning and start drinking. Oh well!

Also, I'm not fishing for compliments/suggestions here...just whining. No diet tips today, please. :)

Updates!

Have you ever tried to have a garage sale? How about a garage sale while you're still drunk from the night before? Welcome to my Saturday morning. It was not pretty. God bless Jan for coming over and helping out (aka saving my ass)! I forgot to get change, forgot to get a cash box, forgot to set an alarm to wake up and show up...though I miraculously did wake up in time...and the list goes on. Wow. We did make $300 though, so that was awesome...especially considering 95% of the stuff is still there! I guess I'll be having another sale, hopefully a sober one.

I went to Target this afternoon to pick up a bookshelf that my husband INSISTED would fit in the trunk of my Camry last night (nevermind the fact that it's over 6 ft. tall), despite my protests to the contrary...needless to say, I was right. Not really a sweet victory when I'm the one who has to go back to Peoria and pick it up. Whatever. Since I used to work there in high school, there are still several people who recognize me when I stop by. Usually, this is a good thing. Today, one of them asked me if I was pregnant. UNBELIEVABLE! On a positive note, at least they thought I'd put a crib on hold (instead of a bookshelf) and that's why they were asking, but apparently, until I clarified, Target was all abuzz with the status of my ovaries. Target gossip. Some things never change.

Weak stomached individuals (Ty!) stop reading here.

Speaking of my ovaries, I'm now using the ring, and it's not bad at all. Insertion was a little awkward, but not terrible. You truly cannot feel it, which I honestly did not expect. No suicidal thoughts, puking, blood clots, or terrible migraines so far! Thank God. We'll see how the removal goes in a couple weeks. Still think that could be a tad not fun. Oh well.

South Beach did not go super great last week. Still lost .2 lbs...but it should have been more. Perhaps it had something to do with my drunken binge at the Stag. Moron.

Moving on down!

199.8! Woohoo! Almost 2 lbs in 2 days; that's pretty good, right?

Today is L-Day (better known as D-Day for most of you). L-Day = Larry's day. Larry's is my favorite local restaurant. They have some food that's actually not bad for you - chicken breasts, salads and burgers - but my main concern is their cheeseballs. Lovely deep-fried, battered, cheese-filled delights w/ a side of homemade ranch. Yum. And, of course, the prerequisite to all meals at Larry's, Captain and Diet Pepsi. Double yum.

I think only fat people can talk about food like this. All the rest of you skinny bitches are probably reading this thinking, "It sounds like she gets a little TOO much enjoyment from this food." And you'd be right. That's why I look the way I do. :)

With that being said, you might think I'd skip Larry's. You'd be wrong. I can pass on the booze...i guess...but I will be eating cheeseballs. Lest this sound like I'm slipping already, let me explain. Aside from the light batter on the cheeseballs...cheese is a-ok on SB Diet. The rest of my normal meal at Larry's consists of salad (no croutons!) and cottage cheese instead of fries...so really, this is one of the places I can actually eat! That's major!

Can't wait to see everyone tonight!

South Beach, Day 1

201.6

TWO HUNDRED ONE POINT SIX POUNDS!

It seems a lot worse when you spell it out.

That is embarrassing.

Now, at the risk that I'm about to offend someone who weighs as much or more than me, let me add this disclaimer:
Any comments made about this number (my weight) are strictly in regards to ME, and should be regarded as such. ME. My height, frame, size, etc. ME. Not anyone else. Me. Ok. :)

Whew. Now I can "tell you how I really feel." Have I mentioned that I think that is one of the dumbest phrases I've ever heard? It annoys me just from a literal standpoint...because whenever someone says "tell me how you really feel," I usually just have. And yes, I get the sarcasm/irony and that that's why people say it. It's still stupid and redundant. Much like this blog some days... :)

So, here's how I really feel:
-Disgusted with myself
-Embarrassed that I let it go this far
-Curious about how long it will take to dump all this weight back off
-Shocked that I have gained 80 pounds since high school graduation. 80. EIGHTY. 8-0. Holy shit! (Granted, as anyone who knew me then can attest, I was so thin that several people thought I might have a problem...so I needed to gain a little weight...guess I took that a little too far, huh?)

I've never read The Secret, but I do believe in the power of positive thinking and "positive self-talk," so I'm done beating myself up about being a lazy fat ass now. :)

In some ways, I'm actually really fortunate that I used to be excruciatingly thin and can remember what it's like. I see so many women who have struggled with weight issues their entire lives, and they have no idea what it's like to have FUN shopping, because things actually fit you, and don't cling to your belly button. (Man does that suck. I am so fucking sick of seeing my belly button through all my shirts, I could scream! There are not enough spanx in the world to hold that sucker in.) Anyway, I imagine it would be extra hard to stay motivated when you have worked so hard for so long and gotten nowhere...especially having no real idea what it's like once you lose the weight. At least I KNOW how much better it will be and can use that to my advantage.

Talking about spanx reminds me...I read an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow after one of her children was born, and she was talking about how she looked so good after having a baby...she was wearing one spanx on top of the other...under EVERY outfit.

Let me reiterate...Gwyneth Paltrow, one of the thinnest women on Earth is wearing two sets of spanx with every outfit. And her photos get airbrushed before we see them. If that doesn't make you feel a little better about yourself, I don't know what will.

Day 2 is coming shortly, pray for me.

Dear Women...

My sister and I went to see Britney Spears at Allstate Arena this past Tuesday. She was awesome! We were pleasantly surprised to see more adults there than teenyboppers. The Pussycat Dolls opened the show and they were great! I'd heard good things from friends who've seen their Vegas show, but this was truly amazing. They even performed a song from Slumdog Millionaire. As for Britney, her concert was everything a person could want in a performance...acrobats, ninjas, muscle men, hula hoop girls, clowns (could've done w/o them!), midgets, music, dancing, singing (and yes, some lip-synching, though, watching how much energy she puts into her dancing, you can hardly blame her) and more! All in all, she put on a hell of a show.

It wasn't all fun and games, however, at the Britney concert. Between the PCD opening performance and Britney's, the woman seated next to me started up a conversation. I'd guess her to be about 35. We chatted for awhile and seemed to be having a normal conversation, right up until she asked me when my baby is due!!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. A COMPLETE STRANGER asked me when my baby is due. Let me just state this for the record (I'll even enlarge it and change the color to be 100% clear, since it is apparently not already obvious...):

I AM NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN, PREGNANT!

Geez. All the women out there, I know you can relate to how irritating it is to spend forever contemplating your outfit, hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry & etc., only to have someone make a rude and ridiculous comment like that.

The annoyance of having wasted so much time w/ my (clearly not as flattering as I thought) outfit, however, is the least of my worries. First off, I'd like to know how many other people wondered if I was preggo and didn't say anything. Actually, I bet I don't want to know! Secondly, what kind of moron asks a COMPLETE STRANGER if they are pregnant? And for a woman to ask...that's a double dumbass whammy! Seriously...let's just assume for a second that the situation were reversed, and I was the idiot asking this strange woman about the condition of her uterus. What if this woman just had a miscarriage? Just what this poor woman would want, to have to explain to a total stranger that actually, she was pregnant, but lost the baby. Right. What if she has a tumor? (Yes, I actually do know someone who had a tumor and was constantly barraged w/ questions about when she was due.) What if she can't have children? That's probably the ultimate worst-case scenario, but, I have another friend who is having a hard time starting a family, and if someone ever asked her when she was due, I don't think any court would hold her accountable for her actions.

The BEST- (if there can be a best) case scenario is perhaps this woman just carries her weight around the gut and I've just totally embarrassed her, and reminded her that maybe she's not quite as cute as she thought. Back to reality: this is the category I fall into.

I'll admit, I am NOWHERE near my high school graduation weight, nor am I very close to my college graduation weight (graduation was almost 4 yrs ago, for those keeping track). I have been very irresponsible with my food choices, lack of exercise/movement in general. Not that I don't move at all...I will definitely jump once in awhile...for a falling wine glass. :)

What's the point of all this whining? It's time to do something about it. I don't want to be asked again when I'm due until the day comes when I am actually pregnant. And let me tell you...that will be awhile! But hey, at least I know what 60 extra lbs. feels/looks like...and at least then I will have an excuse! :)

This weekend is my last bad-eating, no-exercising, lazy ass weekend. Starting Monday, I will go back to the South Beach Diet, as it has worked well for me in the past (until I totally ignored all the rules!), and I will be monitoring my progress via Growing On Goofy. Please keep up with me and keep me motivated. My theory is, if I'm already embarrassed by my weight, maybe a public announcement of that big nasty number (my current weight) will be enough motivation to stick with this lifestyle change. Adam is joining me on this plan, only via a modified version for lunches, as it's difficult to cook in a tractor. Hopefully this will make things easier for both of us.

So please stay tuned for Monday's starting weight and a little more about my plan to shed it. Don't worry, I promise not to bore anyone with the details of every meal I eat or mile I walk. No one would read it if I blogged about it anyway! I know I wouldn't.

One final note though...especially for all the women reading this...can we all just band together and PROMISE not to ever ask a woman if she's pregnant/when she is due, unless and until you know this person and are 100% positive she is pregnant? It would save a lot of unnecessarily hurt feelings and embarrassment on both sides. Thanks.