Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Possible TMI...

This has been on my mind since Sunday, so I'm hoping for some feedback from any of my fantastic readers.

Does anyone else watch Hung (HBO before Entourage)?

Last Sunday's episode got me thinking.

In the episode, the main male character is at the main female character's house, using her tub because his house burnt down. While sitting in her tub, he notices a pink Bic razor sitting on the side of the tub, with a huge clump of trimmed pubes stuck in it.

I get that it was a joke, and was meant to be over the top and make a point about the characters. I get it.

What bothers me is numerous, so I shall make a list:
1. Who uses disposable razors anymore?
2. Who uses disposable razors on their genitals?
3. Wouldn't the higher risk of cutting yourself on those cheap ass crappy disposable razors be enough to keep it away from your legs/face, let alone your crotch?
4. Isn't the point of a disposable razor to DISPOSE of it, after use?

This is the most important question and the one I'm looking for the most response on:
5. Would anyone, man or woman, who did actually use a Bic razor (or ANY razor, for that matter) to do some...landscaping...not clean the damn thing out?

Seriously. Think about it. I'm pretty sure everyone at least rinses the damn thing out after shaving their legs or face...so why would this scenario be any different? Do people actually leave giant clumps of pubes lurking in their razors for unsuspecting bathroom guests to find?

GROSS.

I will f-ing be with Miley!!!

This story would be pretty hilarious, if it wasn't so damn creepy.

I hate to judge people who clearly have serious mental issues, or judge celebrities' troubles as nothing more than "part of being a celebrity." With that being said...this guy is nuts and it must be a big pain in the ass for Miley.

http://www.tmz.com/2009/07/29/disney-warns-lapd-about-obsessed-miley-fan/

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mickey the fake?

The Mouse family (Mouse IS Mickey's last name right?) apparently spans many generations.

I thought between the traps, the dog and blocking off their red carpet access to the basement, that we'd finally rid ourselves of Mickey and the Gang.

Wrong.

Yesterday, I used the guest bathroom and not only were there the usual turds all over the floor mat but, there were some new, highly scattered turds next to the toilet. These bastards bypassed the glue trap (after somehow taking a huge mouse dump on it and not getting stuck) on the OTHER side of the toilet and went around to crap behind the trash can. I could not believe it. (Perhaps this is my payback for the incident at Casey's last summer...that story is for another day.)

You'd think after this long dealing with these little assholes, I'd be used to it.

Wrong.

Today, I mentioned to Adam that perhaps a new trap is necessary, given the situation. He got a funny look and asked me to describe in a little more detail, exactly what the problem was and where it was located. By the time I was done, he was laughing hysterically. Naturally, I'm getting more and more pissed by the second, and am totally in the dark as to where the humor in this situation lies.

The "mouse turds" are dark chocolate cookie crumbs.

He ate cookies while taking a shit, tried to throw the package away (because, apparently, if you're going to eat cookies while on the toilet, they have to be 100 calorie south beach snack packs) and missed, therefore dumping cookie crumbs all over the floor.

I started to laugh, feeling pretty embarrassed for thinking they were mouse turds. Then I got mad again. Why, exactly, if you know you dumped cookie crumbs all over the floor, wouldn't you clean them up? Ugh. Men.

We did actually see a live mouse last night. Bella chased it into the fireplace. And so it continues.

P.S. Adam asked what I was writing about tonight, and I read this blog to him before posting it. He is STILL laughing about those damn cookies. The crumbs are still on the floor. And that's exactly where they're going to stay until he cleans them up.

P.S.S. Can I just say how satisfying it is to hit spellcheck and have its response be "no misspellings found?" GREAT!

She's at it again

My good friend Marissa Jaret Winokur (referred to as MJK from now on, because that name is too damn long to type) is back with another awesome (and by that, I mean shit-tastic) blog. The article is absolutely ridiculous, but the accompanying photo alone is worth a look.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20294242,00.html

Sorry. It's a little hard to take you seriously in your FLOWER-COVERED CAMO. Dear Lord. She needs a visit to the Ridge, not boot camp. If that doesn't straighten her out, I don't know what will. Then again...the ridge rats pop meth like skittles, so given her track record with candy...she might be screwed.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Facebook ads

You know your life has taken an interesting turn when the Facebook ads carefully targeted to you are as follows:

1. Hooray for Boobies--which apparently is an advertisement for a play on Broadway.

2. Oregon Wine Country

3. Play the new game "farmville"


Boobs, wine and farms...looks like facebook targeting is improving all the time!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

More like fatty patty...

Speaking of my lacking skinny minnie status, here's a diet update:

I haven't lost any weight since I last blogged about it. I also have not exercised or followed tooooo closely to the SB plan. Amazing how that works...eat less than healthy food, drink, don't work out and you don't lose weight. I should write a book about the anti-diet. Whoops!

The good news, though, is that I also haven't gained any weight. Lest you all think I'm a whiner, I've chosen not to blog about it on a daily, or even weekly, basis. Hard to blog about how nothings happening when you're not doing anything to make it happen.

That's all in the past. We purchased a Wii with the EA sports active package recently and haven't killed ourselves yet! We've started walking the dog more, and just making a concerted effort to MOVE more. Hopefully it will pay off. So that's where I stand; thank you all for your questions. Maybe next week I will have something more exciting (less weight) to report.

FINALLY!

More breaking celebrity news, thanks to People.com:

My favorite (and I use that term loosely) people.com blogger Marissa Jaret Winokur's latest post is, as usual, wonderfully intelligent.

She fell off the diet wagon, y'all.

How did this late-breaking news travesty occur, you might ask?

She was setting up a birthday party for her son and had, ahem, GLASS JARS FULL OF CANDY sitting out at her house. But, not only that, she set them out a WEEK BEFORE THE PARTY!

HELL-LOOOO!

Am I really the only one who finds this level of stupidity to be mind-boggling? I've met 5 yr olds smarter than this chick!

I'm no skinny minnie myself anymore but, dear Lord, if I went around eating jars of candy for a week at a time I'd have more rolls than the Michelin Man. I realize I'm going on and on, but I just cannot believe people actually read her blog for inspiration!

Whatever. I'm just glad Walter Cronkite got more coverage than MJ for a couple days.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Seen in Forest City

A friend was driving through Forest City today and said, as she passed, there were 4 men trying to fit a motorcycle through the front door INTO a house.


WTF am I doing in Mason County?!

Best Little Kid Story EVER

Yesterday was my mom's 50th birthday party. We had a lot of fun, but the best part actually came from a person who wasn't even there.

One of our family friends has a 6 yr old granddaughter who she watches pretty regularly. The little girl is very girly, loves all things sparkle, princess, dressy, you get the idea. Even her name (Lily) is girly.

She was having a discussion with her grandma about her upcoming birthday and how she only wanted dresses, and only wanted to wear dresses from now on. Grandma asked her why (thinking she would say something about how she just likes to dress up) and Lily's response rocked my world.

"Because it's easier to scratch my butt."



How can you argue with that logic?

Friday, July 17, 2009

As some of you know, Adam and I attended the Home Run Derby and All-Star Game in St. Louis this week. We had a blast, but rather than go into every stinkin' detail, I made a top 10 list.

Top 10 Things That Made My Trip

10. Getting kicked in the back of the head/neck the ENTIRE time I was in my (very expensive) seat at Busch Stadium by a 1-2 yr old sitting on his mother's lap. Granted, I understand children are free, only so long as they sit on a parent's lap, and it's not like there were a whole lot of spare seats available during the All-Star week. I get it. I really do. At the same time...don't act like you don't know what your kid is doing when they are SITTING ON YOUR LAP. It's kind of hard to miss.

9. The 7 yr old to the right of kicky mcgee, who gave an excellent play-by-play and even better commentary. He was very upset with the umpire's determination of the strike zone in comparison with what is considered the strike zone in his video game ("it's way bigger, dude.")

8. The man we bought tickets from off of eBay (Sam) turning out NOT to be a scam artist, and actually a very nice guy, despite a few spam emails received directing us to Western Union the ticket money to Jeffrey Takeda in the UK. (P.S. It's a pretty good indicator that you're looking at a fake email when it's signed: "Regards, verylegitimate" At least make very legitimate 2 words, gosh!)

7. Ellen, our waitress at Zia's in The Hill for being the best waitress ever and explaining to us how only 2 men own all the parking in downtown StL, so expect to get f'd if you don't park at your hotel...or maybe even then too. (Side note, this is why StL beats Chicago ANY day of the week. Our parking at a DOWNTOWN HOTEL during the biggest baseball week of the year, with several main events located immediately across the street from the hotel....had a $20 fee to park for the entire time we were there. We spent one night in downtown Chitown this April which, by the way, is nowhere near Wrigley Field, and spent $50 to park for ONE night. Suck it Chicago.)

6. Learning that my dog has somehow (after a little over a year) decided to be a humper. My parents' hellion, ahem, dog, Gracie may be an instigator but I'm pretty sure that was a surprise. I swear, Bella has never humped anything, anyone, any dog, nothing. No idea where she got the idea to start humping. I blame Gracie. She's like the bad little kid at school that your parents won't let you play with because they don't want the bad kid to rub off on you. Bella learns all kinds of new tricks after she stays with Gracie...although I suspect Bella's grandma and grandpa maaaaaaaay have something to do with the sudden need to jump into chairs, lay on the bed, and etc. Let's just all hope that's not where she learned ALL her new tricks...gross.

5. Getting locked out of our hotel room at 1 AM after the All-Star Game. I really love it when employees try and tell you how much "trouble" they'll get in for doing their jobs. "Oh, I could really get in a lot of trouble for resetting your room key." Are you serious? "Well, if you don't know the SSN of the person who booked the room, that is." Keep in mind, the person who booked our rooms is a friend of a friend whom we just met, and although the room is technically in her name since we have not checked out/paid yet, they do have Adam's credit card on file already for incidentals and express checkout. So, no, I'm sorry, I do not know her SSN, nor do I want to wake her up and ask for it in order for you, lovely hotel front desk worker, to DO YOUR JOB. Also, I really do not want to stand up here and argue with you about why you should do your job and fix what is clearly a hotel problem (non-working key) at ONE AM after I've been out in the bleeding hot sun all damn day giving my every last tourist dollar to float the city's economy. GIVE ME THE FRICKIN KEY, BITCH! I won.

4. Getting up to our room after the key incident, only to have Adam (who has a severely plugged nose from allergies) walk in and say "wonder where they hid the joint?" Our room REEKED of pot. Not like, maybe some dirty hippies walked by. Like 5 of us searched the room for a kilo of kush. We didn't find anything. Maybe it was just me being an anxious and paranoid person (or maybe it was the pot! haha) but I was kinda freaking out about being charged for smoking in a non-smoking room. After all the hoopla in IL regarding indoor smoking and the crazy high fees if they do smell smoke in your room, I was not about to get charged (or have the friend who purchased the rooms get charged, since the front desk can't do their jobs) for something I didn't do, especially something illegal. So, I called the front desk, who assured me they would send up security. It is now almost 2 AM and we are exhausted. I waited 45 minutes and went to bed. No one showed up.

The more I thought about it, when we originally left our room earlier that day, they were cleaning someone else's room, and I noticed there were 3 cleaning ladies in there, which I thought was kind of weird. It's the Holiday Inn, for crying out loud! How many people does it take to clean that size of room? One of the cleaning ladies was actually sitting at the room's desk, working on something. I couldn't see if she was actually on someone's laptop or what the deal was, but I remember thinking, thank God we put up our do not disturb sign so they won't clean our room. Clearly that worked out.

3. Seeing Ted Lilly not only get booed when they introduced the All-Stars, but sit his ass on the bench for the entire game. That's what happens when you've been losers for 101 years.

2. Yadier Molina's game-changing hit. Yadi is my homeboy.

1. My good friend, the 7 yr old commentator: "I don't know about this Ichiro; he looks kinda like a sissy."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

FINALLY!

I'm back from our 5 day vacation. More important than anything that happened on our trip(s) is this:


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31936605/ns/business-washington_post/

Crocs could FINALLY be dead. THANK YOU JESUS! Adios to the fugliest shoes (aside from closed toe mandals) on Earth.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Stupid Celebrity "News"

People.com is at it again. This time, with 2 irrelevant stories camouflaged amongst actual news.

Here are yesterday's headlines:

-Office Star Jenna Fischer is engaged
-Liz Taylor not going to MJ's memorial because she believes he wouldn't have wanted her to be part of that circus
-The Cruises go to Australia--not necessaaaaaaarily news, but Suri is cute and played with kangaroos, so I can let that one go.

*BREAKING NEWS*

Marissa Jaret Winokur: My Close Encounter With a Minibar

Seriously? First of all, who has a close encounter with a minibar? If I'm near the minibar, it's not a close encounter, it's a drunk encounter. Secondly, this Marissa Jaret Winokur is seriously starting to get on my nerves. French fries, mini bar, watch out here comes the Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmbulance!

Secondary news headlines:
-Who will perform at MJ's memorial?
-Anna Paquin: Nude scenes easier w/ real life beau (no shit)
-Bret Michaels' tour bus hit in crash
-AI judge Kara DioGuardi weds in Maine

*MORE BREAKING NEWS*
Whose hair cut is hotter: Zac Efron or Chace Crawford? Ok, seriously? HOW DOES THIS MAKE THE NEWS? We can't actually get a list of performers at MJ's memorial because we're too busy voting on whose hair is hotter! Even more ironic is that no dude is looking at this site and going, oh, well, if people.com readers say so, I must cut my hair like Chace if I want to get the ladies!

(If I had to vote, Chace would win, because that retarded pomade-bangs-to-the-forehead thing Zac's got going on is greasy and ridiculous.)

WTF is going on around here?

Larry's day is always an interesting one. Seems I learn something new each week. Last week, we (surprise!) went to Super Sports in South Pekin. Who knew South Pekin was an actual town and not just a specific part of Pekin? Weird.

During this trip I learned of some new local landmarks. My husband likes to make fun of me since I get lost around town a lot. I've tried to explain to him that I need landmarks, not compass directions (Go north of county road 2300 E about 4 miles, blah blah blah. Who even knows what that means? Not gonna happen). Landmarks. When I say landmarks, I mean things such as, hey there's a 2 story white house on the corner. No, not the one with the giant wagon wheels, the next one. Turn there! Or, go past the McDonald's and turn left at the corner. (Sadly, all these are actual directions to my house. At least they no longer include, "turn off the paved road." Well, except when you turn into my unpaved driveway. Whatever.)

During our minivan ride to Super Sports, 2 new landmarks (which I hope to never pass for soon-to-be obvious reasons) were revealed, in all their glory.

1. The Old Deer Piss Farm
No, I am not making this up.

It did bring several questions to mind.
A) Where is it? (so I can be sure to avoid it)
B) Does it still stink?
C) Why is it the OLD deer piss farm? What's there now?
D) More importantly, who would PURCHASE, willingly, a farm known as ODP (old deer piss)? Well, formerly known as. It's like the artist formerly known as Prince, but now just a symbol. What would the Old Deer Piss Farm's symbol be?

Are you down with the ODP? Yeah you know me!

The second landmark, I am literally sad to report. I think this was it's actual name for some time, although no one (surprise, surprise) seems to know it's actual current name. Damn rednecks.

2. N-bomb Lake (I'll let you all take a guess as to which N-word)
Unfortunately, the use of that word is fairly prevalent around here. One stereotype about the country that, at least locally, is absolutely true. It's embarrassing for those of us who are civilized. When you hear that that's the name of a lake...where do you go from there? I was so blown away by the fact that not only was a lake once named this, but that everyone else in the van (except 1) seemed to know exactly what lake the person was referring to.

I had a whole diatribe regarding my thoughts on this "landmark" written here but, suffice to say, shock and awe pretty much sums it up.

There is nothing scarier than ignorance in action.

Sometimes I just sit back in amazement at where life has taken me. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I'd be sitting in a van full of people, driving through BFE-land being lectured on the longitude and latitude of something called N-bomb Lake. Just in case anyone doesn't believe that God has a sense of humor...

Side note: Oddly enough, the vast majority of locals voted for Obama. Just goes to show you how much they hated GWB's farm policies. Even stranger...some who voted for Obama still used that word in reference to him...which blows my mind since I wouldn't think you'd willingly elect someone to be your president if you truly believed they fit the literal definition of the word in question.

Whew, off the soapbox.

On another note, I opened the drawer under my dryer in a rabid hunt for dye magnets...only to find that I'd used them all and forgotten to buy more...and in their place was a drawer full of mouse shit. It never ends!!!
We blocked their entrance from the garage into the house, so now they're trapped in the ceiling and I can hear them running around all day and night. I HATE MICE. Those mofos are going down. I am sick of it. It's gross and loud and dirty in general. Yucko.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Funny weird, not funny ha ha

It's amazing how quickly things change; whether in importance, relevance or just in general.

This morning, I woke up with raging allergies and was, I admit, feeling a little sorry for myself. I continued to make breakfast, clean the kitchen, fill the hot tub, water the plants, play with the dog...and, most importantly, log on to facebook. It's like crack, really.

The first thing I saw on facebook was that my friend's mother passed away this morning. Suddenly, my allergies seem pretty unimportant, irrelevant and a pathetic thing to feel sorry for yourself about in general. Her mother battled brain tumors for many years, but always had a big smile on her face. I'm sure they're all very grateful she got to see both her children get married, and that she is now in a better place. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, you know who you are.

After learning this sad news, I called my mom to let her know, since we've gone to church with this family for many, many years. She informed me that I needed to check my email because "tragedy day" wasn't quite over yet. Great.

There was an email from my aunt (by marriage, if it matters) explaining that 18 years ago her brother passed away from cancer, leaving behind his wife and very young son. His wife never really got over it, never remarried, nothing. I'm sure you've all heard by now about the monorail crash that killed 1 person. Her son was the 1 person. He was 21 years old. Austin Wuennenberg. I've never met this man, or any member of that side of my aunt's family, but it hit me pretty hard to know that a story I read about and basically ignored because *only* 1 person died, was about my cousins' cousin. Horrible.

I really hope all the tragic deaths are over for awhile. We all need a break.