Public Service Announcement

Trashy people go to Walmart.  Not everyone who goes to Walmart is trashy, but every person who is trashy...well, they're also a Walmart shopper.  Henceforth, I will refer to them as Wal-martians.  I frequently joke that the only explanation for the Ridge rats is that a UFO must've landed and replaced all the normal people who once lived there with martians.  In case you can't make the drive to the Ridge, to see these "individuals" for yourself, just head to your local Walmart.  You'll find 'em. 

Because my sister is in social work, I've learned some valuable things.  Her most important piece of info so far was to avoid grocery stores, but especially Walmart, on the 1st day of the month, maybe even the 2nd.  Why?  Because LINK cards get filled up the 1st day of the month and the stores get crowded, have really long lines, and sometimes are short on food. 

This isn't a judgement on anyone who has/had a LINK card.  I'm all for it.  I don't want to be at Walmart on Black Friday either, for the exact same reasons...crowds, lines, no inventory. 

Anyway, I decided that May 3rd would be safe.  In many respects, I was correct.  The lines were normal, crowds were normal, the inventory properly stocked.  I walked to my car quite pleased with myself...until I actually saw the car. 

You see, I'd forgotten one major rule: Walmartians are ALWAYS at Walmart, not just the 1st day of the month. 

Normally, I park near a cart corral, because I'm lazy, and it keeps at least one side of the car from potential cart dings.  This particular day, however, all those spots were taken, so I just parked further out.  I get to my car and what do I see?  Two things:
1. A cart right up against my bumper
2. A big white scratch halfway across the bumper.

Now I'm pissed.  I've never been one of those people who freaks out over door dings, parks way out to avoid stuff, etc etc.  But this made me mad, if for no other reason than the sheer ignorance of the situation.  For one thing, there was a cart corral 2 spaces over, and one across the aisle and down.  It would have been very easy to just walk your happy ass over to the corral and deposit the cart.  There is no way the cart could've blown into the position it was currently in, so someone did this on purpose.  And what really pissed me off is that my car is black.  So if it was a bad scratch on a regular car, having black paint just made it stand out even more. 

I actually know a person who leaves their cart in the parking space near theirs when they leave...because it's the "cart attendant's job" to put it away for you.  No, it's actually not.  You walk right past the corral, you are just as capable of putting it away as the attendant.  These are the same type of people who leave their popcorn buckets and empty sodas behind in the theater because it's "the ushers job" to clean up after you.  No, it's not.  They're not your babysitters and they're not your mother.  You walk past the trash can ON YOUR WAY OUT OF THE THEATER.  You cannot avoid the trash cans.  Assholes.  But I digress...

So, due to the cart incident, I avoided Walmart and the Walmartians who don't know how to properly dispose of their carts for a few weeks.  Time to cool down. 

Last week, I put my big girl underoos back on, went to Walmart, still no next-to-corral spots.  Again, aside from the Walmartians, the store was great.  Quick, stocked, still able to rape my account blind...everything I've come to know and love about Walmart.  Then I began my walk to the parking lot with baited breath.  My car was fine (thanks God!) but my eardrums were assaulted when as I was putting my stuff in the trunk, I heard the longest, loudest burp I have ever heard in my life from across the aisle.  Because I am 12 years old, I burst out laughing.  The assailant looked up, smiled, waved, and got in his crappy car.  I went about my business, until the jackass rolled down his window, sticks half his body out and yells, YEAH!  YOU KNOW YOU LIKED IT!  Riiiiight.  Then he proceeds to sit in his gross vehicle and stare at me until I pull out of the lot which, I can assure you, was not nearly fast enough. 

All the way home I sat there thinking about what is wrong with people these days (I've shifted from 12 to 95), and it hit me...WALMARTIANS.  They can't help themselves. 

So let this be another lesson to you all...a public service announcement if you will.  Stock up on groceries before the 1st, but mostly...just avoid Walmart.  They know not what they do.

Name Nazis

Just to clear the air before I even get going on this one: I am not pregnant.  I am not trying to become pregnant.  I have never been pregnant.  Whew.  Ok.

A few weeks ago, Mom and I were discussing little tidbits of our lives.  Just general chitchat.  I mentioned that I heard an acquaintance of a friend is naming their son Emmett and that I thought it was a cute name. 

Ever have one of those moments you wish you had your camera ready? 

Oh the horrors. 

Mom: "EMMETT?  AS IN...EMMETT THE CLOWN?" 
Me: I guess...who's Emmett the Clown?
Mom: Oh you know him.  EVERYONE knows Emmett the Clown!
Me: Nope, sorry.
Sister: Yeah, no.
Mom: Oh don't act like I'm just an old fart.  Maybe it's a generational thing, I don't know.
Me: Ok, let's ask Dad.  Dad, what do you think of when you hear the name Emmett?
Dad: I don't know...Emmit Smith, the football player?
Me: Not Emmett the Clown?
Dad: No.  Who's that?
Sisters: (hysterical laughter)

In a very informal survey of every person I encountered of that "generation" during the following week, no one had heard of Emmett the Clown.  Before you all go ape shit and wonder why I didn't just google him, relax.  I did.  Apparently ETC was a popular hobo clown back in the day.  Like...back in the 5-decades-ago day.  Whatever.

I didn't really think much about it when I heard the name originally.  Maybe a passing "oh that's cute," but that's about all the brain cells I devoted towards the situation.  I guess I figured the name came from either a baby book, Twilight or the NFL player.  Who cares, really?  My mom. :)

Other names were discussed but, in an effort to keep you all interested, I'll just skip to the lesson I learned from all of this.

I'm not trying to pick on my mom here.  She was doing what she thought was right by informing me of a possible poor mental image/pre-judgement people may have if we named our imaginary future child Emmett.  What it made me realize, however, is why all those people (who I previously thought were crazy) keep their kid(s) names a secret until they're born.  To avoid this exact situation.

Because I am ignorant in all things baby, I assumed that maybe you would keep it a secret from most people, but tell your siblings, parents, in-laws, etc.  Wrong.  You see, if you tell a stranger your baby's potential name, they don't know you well enough to critique, so they say "oh that's cute."  End of conversation.  But your family, noooooo no.  They feel like they have an obligation to make sure their future extended family member has a proper name, not something that turns their initials into PMS or ASS, not something that makes them sound like a stripper or doesn't grow into a good adult name. 

The problem is they don't have that obligation.  That is the job of the parents-to-be.  And, I would guess that all the parents-to-be want is approval.  They don't know what they're doing.  They don't know what they're in for.  They want the one thing that will differentiate their child from every other child in the world (their name) to be loved and accepted by everyone.  Expectant parents don't need one more thing on their plate to worry about. 

I hope this has proved as valuable a lesson to all of you as it did to me.  Personally, when this day does come, I don't think I'll be able to keep my mouth shut...but I sure hope everyone else does! :) 

A big thank you to my mom and all the other ladies (you know who you are) who debated this subject with me, provided insight, guidance, horror stories and, last but not least, said it's ok to tell your Vietnamese nail lady because she doesn't speak English anyway. :)

God Bless the Internet!

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook or Twitter, my apologies for not posting these blogs I keep blathering about!  As I mentioned in the last blog, there is some kind of technology-busting cloud hovering over our house.  I thought perhaps the cloud burst because my car's bluetooth randomly started working again...and basically in the same fashion in which it stopped working.  I turned the car on one day and it didn't work.  A few days ago, I turned the car on and, much to my surprise it announced I had an incoming call--it worked!  I'm not getting my hopes up, but Honda is minus one unhappy customer for now! 

Of course, I'm not lucky enough for the cloud to have completely dissipated.  It's back again.  Yesterday we had more unexpected storms, and I came home to find the modem would not receive power...meaning the internet was out.  I called CenturyLink (could they change their damn name any more frequently?) and they informed me that someone would contact me within 24-48 hours to get it replaced.  I hung up and thought...48 hours (or potentially more, if they think they're going to schedule an appointment to bring me a modem) without internet?  No freaking way.  Say what you will about all the Gen Yers being technologically-dependent, but I really cannot fathom how people live without either the internet, a smart phone, an iPad...SOMETHING.  How do you check the weather if your satellite is out, you have no internet/phone/whatever and a bad storm's coming?  I honestly don't know what I would do.  Oh wait, yes I do.  I would FREAK.OUT.

This morning I decided that 14 hours w/o internet was long enough and I called the "local" CenturyLink office, 30 miles away, to see what I could do in the meantime.  They informed me that just like the previous 2 times our modem went to crap, I could just bring the dead one to their store and they'd swap it out for free.  God bless them! :)

I feel as though I have so much to discuss.  My mind is buzzing.  Last week I was a little sad because I felt like I didn't have much going on that was blog-worthy.  God laughed.  If it seems like I'm posting a lot in the next day or so, it's because I am!  But they're fun blogs, so check them out!

Techno Terror

Two years ago, I didn't have a shred of doubt regarding my technological abilities.  I majored in something that requires you to keep up with the media and technology, and I really enjoy checking out the latest gadgets.  No one wants to become the person who relies on 20 yr. old technology simply because they refuse to learn new things.  No one wants a record player instead of an iPod.  Unfortunately, it seems as though my life heads that direction more and more lately...against my wishes!  It's almost like I possess some kind of internal magnet that destroys every gadget, every electronic device, every thing I own that includes a computer chip, battery or electric power.  Or, more likely, there's a giant cloud of meth smoke hovering over Goofy Ridge and THAT is what's causing all my troubles.  Seriously, this is the one time I'd hedge my bets on the Ridge Rats.

I compiled the following list of things that have gone bad spontaneously, through no fault of my own, in just the last year:

1. Bluetooth in the Pilot: worked fine since I bought the car, then one day I get in and it will not connect to any phone call...but phone's GPS connects just fine. 
2. The Camry: we drove to Lombard to visit Adam's brother and sister-in-law, everything worked great.  We get home, park the car in the garage, realize we pulled in too far, go back to the car to turn it on and back up...car won't start.  Battery's dead.
3. Bluray: got a new movie for Christmas, put it in, bluray needs to update, but can only do so through the internet, which it can't connect to.  After TWO HOURS of dicking around with the stupid thing, it finally works, problem solved...until this weekend when it suddenly will play movies...so long as you can read lips, because there's no sound.
4-7. Router, modem, kitchen TV and kitchen directv box: lightning struck the house and ruined all of them.  I know this because I picked up the modem and it sounded like a can of sprinkles.
8.   Office TV and Wii: Props to both Samsung and Nintendo on this one, because the tv's issue was repaired within 2 weeks and Nintendo mailed us a new Wii in 4 days.
9. Blackberry Tour: Still working on this one.  It sends texts 3x to some people, and there's no rhyme or reason as to why it chooses specific people.  It also clicks before the phone's about to ring or receive a text.  Verizon gave me a new phone, but now it's back to its old tricks.  Whatever.
10.  Laptop
11. Ipod: Miraculously, once I got an iPod Touch for Christmas, the old iPod worked perfectly.
12. Hot tub
13. Lawnmower

And, last but not least, 14. THE HIGHLANDER...do i really need to explain what went wrong with Toyota this year? :)  Needless to say, I'm glad I ended up with the Pilot!

Lord only knows what is happening around here, but I think I better hold off on purchasing any new appliances, gadgets, etc. for awhile!  Good thing shoes can't go bad! :)