As Promised...

I told you it was coming.  The Sheriff's Report, at long last, is about to make it's triumphant return to Growing on Goofy.  It will not disappoint.

5 accidents involving a person hitting a deer, and 1 involving a person swerving to miss a deer and hitting a tree instead.

Complaints:
-8-3 @ 10:53 AM, Havana: Check on the welfare of a man in pickup truck slumped over
-8-3 @ 1:24 PM, Cell Phone: Complaint about tire on the roadway
-8-3 @ 9:33 PM, Rural Havana: Complaint about person burning wire 
As you can see, that was an eventful day in Havana...

-8-4 @ 11:24 PM, Rural Havana: Report a male wearing all black riding a bike on the roadway.  (AHHH!  Not a black male riding a bike!  ALERT! ALERT! SECURITY HAS BEEN BREACHED!  Oh, wait...a male wearing black?  Nevermind.)

-8-5 @ 4:52 PM, Rural Kilbourne: Report 2 dogs running loose and growling at people (isn't that what dogs do?  Ruh roh, Ruby!)
-8-5 @ 5:19 PM, Manito: Report a strong smell of either meth or plastic burning (I LOVE this one.  "What does it smell like is burning, ma'am?"  "Well, it could be plastic burning...or it could be meth.  I can't be sure."  Do they really smell that similar?)
 Now we move on to the real crime of the night...
-8-5 @ 8:46 PM, Menard County: Car "setting" along the road for several hours with the windows rolled down and nobody around (annnnnnnnnnnd?)

-8-6 @ 7:10 PM, Rural Manito: Irrigation spraying on the road.  (What do these morons do when it rains?)
-8-6 @ 8:10 PM, Cell Phone: Intoxicated male laying in the middle of the SR 78. (Never been so drunk THAT sounded like a good idea.)

-8-7 @ 2:33 PM, Rural Manito: Checking on two lawn mowers on the Manito Blacktop ("Yes, ma'am, what is your concern today?" "Well...do you think they know there's no grass to mow on the chipped rock?")
-8-7 @ 5:07 PM, Bath, Boat Tavern, public service: see if someone has anything to help with a nosebleed.  (I'd love to be a 911 operator for just one day around here.  WHO calls the sheriff's department for a nosebleed?  "Officer, we've got a report of a runaway...a runaway NOSEBLEED."  WTF?!)
-8-7 @ 11:42 PM, Bath, Brick Tavern: A "mail" and female will not leave--going to start a fight (What's behind door number 3?  Another nosebleed!)

-8-8 @ 12:28 PM, Mason City: Criminal damage to vehicle, male beat car with a gun and a hammer (Not at all premeditated, I'm sure.  I always carry a gun AND a hammer, you know, just in case a car gets in my way.)

-8-9 @ 2:32 AM, Havana: Call complained about being run off the road near McDonald's.  Vehicle headed south towards RT 78 and was stopped.  Person took off on foot. (Dude.  It's 2:30 in the morning.  Everyone in there is either stoned or been up for 3 days...DO NOT GET IN THE WAY OF THEIR FRIES!)

For whatever reason, there were FIVE women charged with battery this week.  Perhaps they punched someone in the nose and stole their Big Mac?

Also, a Mason County lifetime achievement award goes to the woman from Mason City who was ticketed for: no valid driver's license, no valid registration, failure to reduce speed, no insurance, leaving the scene and failure to report.

*All information taken from the Mason County Democrat

Some Things Still Surprise Me

I know you've all missed it.  That's right, the Sheriff's Report. 

But before I get to that, I just have to mention something that caught my eye in a recent issue of the infamous Mason County Democrat newspaper. 

For those of you who don't already know, the big news around here recently was the Redneck Fishing Tournament in Bath, IL.  Basically, Asian Carp are overpopulating in the Illinois River and causing a lot of trouble, so fishermen in their best redneck gear go out all day and catch as many of these slimy little bastards as they can.  Sotally tober, of course.  Whoever catches the most fish is the winner.  Seems pretty simple, right?  Well, this year, ESPN and National Geographic (or Nat Geo, if you prefer their terrible attempt at rebranding themselves into a "cool, hip and man-friendly" channel) came down to Bath, to film the tournament for their respective programming lineups.  This was major. 

So major, apparently, that they decided a tournament winner just wasn't enough.  They put their heads together and came up with another contest, sure to draw attention to rednecks of ALL ages...the Little Miss Redneck contest.  Now, as I was not present for said event (only because I didn't know about it ahead of time...trust me, I would never have voluntarily skipped seeing this level of cluster fuck), I can only imagine what the contest rules include.  A quick scan of google news tells me the organizer informed parents their children/contestants may be dressed as rednecks or "in their Sunday best."  Although, let's be honest, those are basically one and the same in Bath. 

In my mind, Little Miss Redneck events would go something like this:
1. Instead of the swimsuit/evening wear competition, we have the camo competition.  Whoever is the most invisible wins.
2. They would combine the talent and "most photogenic" sections of the evening, with all contestants required to gut a deer.  Points awarded for speed, accuracy and, most of all, how good they look standing next to the deer in their photo.
3. Instead of a synchronized dance number, we have a synchronized decoy setup/goose call competition. First one to get a drunk hillbilly to shoot at their decoy wins.
4. And, last but not least, instead of the question and answer being about world issues, we have the question and answer session sponsored by Ducks Unlimited.  Questions include: Are you for or against hosting a fish fry in the church parking lot?  Should children still be allowed to miss school for deer season?  How do you feel about the regulation of Sudafed in the tri-county area?  Points given for creativity, grammar and pro-hunting stance.

All kidding (or was I?) aside, the girl who won is an adorable 5 year old, complete with camo shirt and hat...and her favorite stuffed kitten (A TOY, not an actual stuffed cat.  Sadly, I feel the need to make that distinction).  I don't know what the prize is for winning the prestigious Little Miss Redneck title, but I bet it involves a gift card to Gander Mountain.  Just sayin'...

Sheriff's Report Revisited

It's been awhile since I've seen anything worthy of blogging in the Mason County Democrat. 

Today there was only one, but the naivete of the wording alone is worth a mention. 

10-16 at 8:53 pm, Rural Topeka: Complaint about strong odor of gas coming from house. 

I wonder who was walking past our house and made that call...

Is there no other way to say that?

The Sheriff's Report Strikes Again

I know people might be getting sick of hearing about the Sheriff's Report, but it brings me so much joy that I can't help reposting.

When I moved to this area, I thought the locals were pretty much anti-police. As these "complaints" pile up, however, I'm starting to wonder if maybe the exact opposite is true.

All of these complaints are taken from The Mason County Democrat's 8-19 issue.

8-4, 11:14 pm, Forest City: prowler or something is smacking the house. (Perhaps a tree branch? I love the prowler "or something" is "smacking" the house. I don't imagine too many burglars --or "somethings"--go around smacking the house to alert you of their presence...)

8-5, 9:02 am, Rural Havana: cows on the road. (Does it mean I've lived here too long if cows on the road doesn't seem like a worthwhile issue for the police to handle?)

8-6, 5:54 pm, Rural Easton: report a man walking on the road. (Again...what's the problem?)


These last few I just think are funny.

8-8 10:07 am, Mason City: theft- an ash tray (Looks like we've got a crime spree on our hands, people!)

8-9 at 12:07 am, Rural Topeka: complaint about people talking (Oh no! Not talking! Those felonious bastards!)

8-9 at 5:57 pm, Mason City: Theft of $20, when the subject was confronted about she was chased with a bat (Ben Folds says, give me my money back, you bitch!)

8-10 at 7:24 pm, Mason City: animal complaint- dying squirrel in yard (There are no words.)

Surely the police officers have better things to do than run the gut wagon, right?

Better Late than Never

My favorite highlights from the 8-5 Mason County Democrat's Sheriff's Report:

- 5 complaints about 4-wheelers or golf carts (including one complaining 4 wheelers were being driven on the road. Is that really illegal?)
- 2 complaints about irrigators spraying on the road (how is this any different than rain? and what are the police supposed to do about it?)

And, of course, the randoms:

-7-23, 5:21 pm, Mason City, complaint about juvenile throwing rocks and urinating in the yard

-7-26, 4:59 am, Topeka, theft- gave a lady a ride home in a cab and now the lady can't pay her.
--First of all, who owns a cab service in Topeka? Seriously! If anyone knows, please fill me in. Secondly, if they're not from Topeka, the nearest "city" is Pekin, which's 30 miles away. No wonder the cab driver was pissed off. That's a $50 cab ride!

-7-26, 1:41 pm, San Jose, found a dog that appears to be someone's pet.
--Props to these people for attempting to help this dog, BUT...why would you call the police for a found dog? Either call the pound, the vet, or the no-kill shelter. The cops have crimes to solve. People are so retarded.

-7-26, 8:13 pm, Manito, complaint that there are juveniles at her house drinking and she wants them gone by the time she gets home.
--WTF? How do you know they're there drinking if you're not home? Did your neighbor call you at work or something? Why don't you go home and kick them out yourself? Who are these people anyway? Are they your kids? Seems like calling the police just adds to the problem.

-7-26, 9:11 pm, Manito, theft-stealing corn.
--This is absolutely random. Who steals corn? Seriously. Also, who has the eagle eyes to see people stealing it out of a huge cornfield? Props to whoever those neighbors are!




(All info courtesy of The Mason County Democrat)

Clean up, aisle 4

It's been forever since I blogged, so here's a random assortment of things I've been thinking about lately.

1. 200 lbs on the dot! Hey, it's only 3 lbs, but HEY IT'S 3 LBS! Woot!

Ty, skip #2

2. The ring worked! I've never had a pill work on the first try, but the ring did. Woot!

3. Here's how stupid I am. I was cleaning out our old house to prepare for renters, which included steam cleaning the carpet. I was setting up some new box fans to speed the drying process, and hopefully eliminate the molding process but, apparently, this box fan had feet. I think they all do, but at the time I was mystified. So what do I do? SIT ON THE WET FLOOR to try and figure out how these stupid feet go on the fan. The phrase "what's up your butt?" took on a whole new meaning...because I had sand up my butt, and let me tell you...that shit hurts. Talk about a raw crack. More importantly, talk about a dirty floor. Gross.

4. Every so often, I check out the local paper, The Mason County Democrat. I have never seen a paper that prints the "sheriff's report." The Sheriff's Report includes 911 calls, tickets, emergencies and the like. Here are some excerpts from the 5/27 edition.

"5/12 at 8:48 am: Rural Easton, suspicious man coming into yard."
"5-12 at 5:34 pm: Forest City, report that someone tried to abduct her child."
"5-13 at 3:51 am: Manito, suspicious vehicle 'shinning' light around." Yes, that's right, shinning, not shining. This new lingo appears more than once. God forbid a newspaper have spell check.
"5-14 at 8:47 am: Rural Havana, assist motorist whose 'care' broke down." Should we send a Care Bear?
My personal favorite, however, is this one:
"5/16 at 1:26 pm: Rural Topeka, complaint about 15 tractors on blacktop, 15-20 people on a trailer drinking, tractors are passing each other."
That, my friends, is my first appearance in the sheriff's report. It was the annual poker run. Most people who passed us waved (or waved their own beer cans...) as they passed us by. No one was causing any trouble and, as I said, this has been going on for about 8 years now. Wouldn't you have loved to hear the 911 operator on the other end of that call. "Well sir/ma'am, I was actually supposed to be on the poker run myself, but I had to work, so instead I'm talking to you." There were probably 60 people on the poker run. If the police really cared that this event goes on, there's been 8 years that they could've shut it down, not to mention...it's pretty easy to track down a line of 15 tractors pulling trailers. Give me a break.

There was 1 good ticket in the sheriff's report as well.
"5/16: (name removed) San Jose, no insurance, disobeyed stop sign, leaving the scene of property damage accident, failure to report accident to police, too fast for conditions-accident." Sounds like someone's going to have a bad day in court!
(all information taken from the Mason County Democrat 5/27 issue)


5. The past week has turned up some good quotes, for entertainment purposes only.

At Larry's last week:

Adam: "Well when you don't want anyone else to eat them, you chew it up and spit it out, then no one can re-sell it." I guess he was talking about wings...but that's not what it sounds like to me!

Ty: How's the house coming, Keri?
Keri: My house is fine, I'm almost done unpacking.
Randy: OUR house.
Keri: What I meant is, my house, which is located right next to Randy's shed.

Lauren H: Just so you know, I love Dick's. (the sporting goods store, of course...)

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.