Mason County Strikes Again!

Mike Armstrong, a comedian billed as a hilarious ex-cop, was scheduled to perform this weekend at Mason City Limits, a local comedy club.  Adam, myself and our friends Randy and Keri decided to check it out.

We sat along the side wall, and some random dude on the other side of Keri started a very random and very odd conversation.  I think he ended up talking mostly to himself, as neither Keri nor I showed the slightest bit of interest in his completely one-sided dialogue about all the comedians he's seen and where he saw them.  Who cares, right?

At this point, the show was getting ready to start so we figured it was a good time to avoid the random redneck and use the restroom before anyone came on stage. 

You know it's going to be a great night when, right after you leave for the restroom, the Chatty Kathy says loudly enough that both your husbands hear, "Whew!  I'm gonna have to take my wedding ring off!"

Stay classy, Mason County.

Sheriff's Report Revisited

It's been awhile since I've seen anything worthy of blogging in the Mason County Democrat. 

Today there was only one, but the naivete of the wording alone is worth a mention. 

10-16 at 8:53 pm, Rural Topeka: Complaint about strong odor of gas coming from house. 

I wonder who was walking past our house and made that call...

Is there no other way to say that?

The Sheriff's Report Strikes Again

I know people might be getting sick of hearing about the Sheriff's Report, but it brings me so much joy that I can't help reposting.

When I moved to this area, I thought the locals were pretty much anti-police. As these "complaints" pile up, however, I'm starting to wonder if maybe the exact opposite is true.

All of these complaints are taken from The Mason County Democrat's 8-19 issue.

8-4, 11:14 pm, Forest City: prowler or something is smacking the house. (Perhaps a tree branch? I love the prowler "or something" is "smacking" the house. I don't imagine too many burglars --or "somethings"--go around smacking the house to alert you of their presence...)

8-5, 9:02 am, Rural Havana: cows on the road. (Does it mean I've lived here too long if cows on the road doesn't seem like a worthwhile issue for the police to handle?)

8-6, 5:54 pm, Rural Easton: report a man walking on the road. (Again...what's the problem?)


These last few I just think are funny.

8-8 10:07 am, Mason City: theft- an ash tray (Looks like we've got a crime spree on our hands, people!)

8-9 at 12:07 am, Rural Topeka: complaint about people talking (Oh no! Not talking! Those felonious bastards!)

8-9 at 5:57 pm, Mason City: Theft of $20, when the subject was confronted about she was chased with a bat (Ben Folds says, give me my money back, you bitch!)

8-10 at 7:24 pm, Mason City: animal complaint- dying squirrel in yard (There are no words.)

Surely the police officers have better things to do than run the gut wagon, right?

Better Late than Never

My favorite highlights from the 8-5 Mason County Democrat's Sheriff's Report:

- 5 complaints about 4-wheelers or golf carts (including one complaining 4 wheelers were being driven on the road. Is that really illegal?)
- 2 complaints about irrigators spraying on the road (how is this any different than rain? and what are the police supposed to do about it?)

And, of course, the randoms:

-7-23, 5:21 pm, Mason City, complaint about juvenile throwing rocks and urinating in the yard

-7-26, 4:59 am, Topeka, theft- gave a lady a ride home in a cab and now the lady can't pay her.
--First of all, who owns a cab service in Topeka? Seriously! If anyone knows, please fill me in. Secondly, if they're not from Topeka, the nearest "city" is Pekin, which's 30 miles away. No wonder the cab driver was pissed off. That's a $50 cab ride!

-7-26, 1:41 pm, San Jose, found a dog that appears to be someone's pet.
--Props to these people for attempting to help this dog, BUT...why would you call the police for a found dog? Either call the pound, the vet, or the no-kill shelter. The cops have crimes to solve. People are so retarded.

-7-26, 8:13 pm, Manito, complaint that there are juveniles at her house drinking and she wants them gone by the time she gets home.
--WTF? How do you know they're there drinking if you're not home? Did your neighbor call you at work or something? Why don't you go home and kick them out yourself? Who are these people anyway? Are they your kids? Seems like calling the police just adds to the problem.

-7-26, 9:11 pm, Manito, theft-stealing corn.
--This is absolutely random. Who steals corn? Seriously. Also, who has the eagle eyes to see people stealing it out of a huge cornfield? Props to whoever those neighbors are!




(All info courtesy of The Mason County Democrat)

Seen in Forest City

A friend was driving through Forest City today and said, as she passed, there were 4 men trying to fit a motorcycle through the front door INTO a house.


WTF am I doing in Mason County?!

Clean up, aisle 4

It's been forever since I blogged, so here's a random assortment of things I've been thinking about lately.

1. 200 lbs on the dot! Hey, it's only 3 lbs, but HEY IT'S 3 LBS! Woot!

Ty, skip #2

2. The ring worked! I've never had a pill work on the first try, but the ring did. Woot!

3. Here's how stupid I am. I was cleaning out our old house to prepare for renters, which included steam cleaning the carpet. I was setting up some new box fans to speed the drying process, and hopefully eliminate the molding process but, apparently, this box fan had feet. I think they all do, but at the time I was mystified. So what do I do? SIT ON THE WET FLOOR to try and figure out how these stupid feet go on the fan. The phrase "what's up your butt?" took on a whole new meaning...because I had sand up my butt, and let me tell you...that shit hurts. Talk about a raw crack. More importantly, talk about a dirty floor. Gross.

4. Every so often, I check out the local paper, The Mason County Democrat. I have never seen a paper that prints the "sheriff's report." The Sheriff's Report includes 911 calls, tickets, emergencies and the like. Here are some excerpts from the 5/27 edition.

"5/12 at 8:48 am: Rural Easton, suspicious man coming into yard."
"5-12 at 5:34 pm: Forest City, report that someone tried to abduct her child."
"5-13 at 3:51 am: Manito, suspicious vehicle 'shinning' light around." Yes, that's right, shinning, not shining. This new lingo appears more than once. God forbid a newspaper have spell check.
"5-14 at 8:47 am: Rural Havana, assist motorist whose 'care' broke down." Should we send a Care Bear?
My personal favorite, however, is this one:
"5/16 at 1:26 pm: Rural Topeka, complaint about 15 tractors on blacktop, 15-20 people on a trailer drinking, tractors are passing each other."
That, my friends, is my first appearance in the sheriff's report. It was the annual poker run. Most people who passed us waved (or waved their own beer cans...) as they passed us by. No one was causing any trouble and, as I said, this has been going on for about 8 years now. Wouldn't you have loved to hear the 911 operator on the other end of that call. "Well sir/ma'am, I was actually supposed to be on the poker run myself, but I had to work, so instead I'm talking to you." There were probably 60 people on the poker run. If the police really cared that this event goes on, there's been 8 years that they could've shut it down, not to mention...it's pretty easy to track down a line of 15 tractors pulling trailers. Give me a break.

There was 1 good ticket in the sheriff's report as well.
"5/16: (name removed) San Jose, no insurance, disobeyed stop sign, leaving the scene of property damage accident, failure to report accident to police, too fast for conditions-accident." Sounds like someone's going to have a bad day in court!
(all information taken from the Mason County Democrat 5/27 issue)


5. The past week has turned up some good quotes, for entertainment purposes only.

At Larry's last week:

Adam: "Well when you don't want anyone else to eat them, you chew it up and spit it out, then no one can re-sell it." I guess he was talking about wings...but that's not what it sounds like to me!

Ty: How's the house coming, Keri?
Keri: My house is fine, I'm almost done unpacking.
Randy: OUR house.
Keri: What I meant is, my house, which is located right next to Randy's shed.

Lauren H: Just so you know, I love Dick's. (the sporting goods store, of course...)

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Lauren vs. Mason Country III: The Epic Battle Rages On

The first day the construction crew arrived, I scared them (and myself) by picking up a "shoelace" that turned out to be a mouse tail.

After they left, a SWARM, no, a PLAGUE of pecker gnats (unrelated to Randy, I think) just HAPPENED to show up. Adam said it was just a coincidence. I thought otherwise. I thought the crew stirred up all the dirt, sand and whatever else, and that's where the gnats were previously lurking.

Yesterday, the construction crew was back again. After they left this time, I noticed a trail of red ants marching in time throughout my master bathroom. Upon further examination, they were in every room of the house. Randy says it's the rain. I think otherwise. They stirred up the front porch to pour concrete yesterday, and I'm willing to bet that was the headquarters of Ants Anonymous, Mason County chapter.

This morning (thankfully BEFORE the crew showed up), I went to the garage to get Bella some food. As I made my second scoop into the AIRTIGHT SEALED CONTAINER, I scooped up a dead mouse. Screamed and swearing commenced. This time I only scared the dog.

My attempts to get Adam to come home and dead with the mouse mania were futile. I am sad to report that he laughed at me, said this is what happens in Mason County, there's probably more where that one came from, and to get a dustpan, scoop it up and throw it into the burn pile. Then he laughed some more.

I clicked my heels 3x, but I didn't get anywhere. Assholes.

Back to the "airtight sealed container," the only thing I can figure out is that it actually IS airtight, the mouse was in the container/last bag of dog food, and when we dumped the food bag in, it was smashed under 40 lbs of Iams Healthy Naturals Chicken, and suffocated.

I think this qualifies for FML. If you've never been to http://www.fmylife.com/, I HIGHLY recommend it. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ is equally outstanding.