I'm an Idiot

Do you ever have a week where you do or say so many stupid things that you wonder if maybe you actually were born yesterday?  Welcome to my week.

My friend passed along a recipe for 44 clove garlic soup.  Needless to say, that is a LOT of garlic peeling.  I made the soup, ate the soup, LOVED THE SOUP.  I told my mom about the soup and she informed me that there is a silicon tube gadget that will peel your garlic for you.  What a great invention!  I thought I was being helpful by passing this "new information" along to another friend.  Unfortunately, my friend, along with probably every other human on the planet, does not need this information.  Why?  Because she was already aware that you simply have to slam your palm down on a clove of garlic and the peel will come off all on its own.  Boy did I feel like a moron.

Next, the garden.  Since I've started composting, I thought it would be a great idea to grow some vegetables.  We have the space and I have the time, so why not?  I asked Adam, since it's his job, if he had any helpful hints or tricks.  He said he knows nothing about gardens.  I couldn't figure that out, since what he does is basically a very, very large-scale garden, but I let it slide.  Great, I thought.  Now this will be all "mine."  I can do what I want, how I want, when I want...and he won't have any say!  Super!

My garden is 10x10 and located in an area that was formerly 100% weeds.  Not too sure that was a good idea.  In order to start my garden, I knew I had to till it and pull all the weeds. About 2 hours in, I am hand-pulling weed after weed, when in rolls my husband.  He watches me for awhile, then asks what exactly I'm doing.
Me: I.am.pulling.weeds!  WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
Him: You know you don't have to do that, right?
Me: (silence) What do you mean?  Obviously not, or else I'm just a glutton for punishment.
Him: All you have to do is shovel the dirt, then flip it over.
Me: (silence) What about the weeds?
Him: (silence) They will die when you flip the dirt over. 

That would have been helpful information 2 hours prior, don't ya think? :)  Whatever happened to not knowing anything about gardening, anyway?  Hmm.  Stupid, take II.

The next THREE days, moving was...difficult.  Did that stop me from pure stupidity?  Hell no! 

Over the weekend, we decided to purchase outdoor furniture for the patio.  Did the incoming rain clouds even give us pause?  No.  Duuuh.  We are awesome.  Rain looks at us and turns the other way. 

Or not.  Because, of course, in true Murphy's Law fashion, the minute we pull onto the main drag home, torrential rain commences.  Then, the strap on the trailer comes loose.  Great.  We thought it was fortunate that our friends' house was really close.  Awesome, we can borrow their driveway to fix the strap and get home.  Except we ended up staying and chatting for 3 hours.  Then, when we did try to leave, the truck's battery was dead.  Apparently that happens when you leave the lights on.

Finally, we make it home and the cardboard boxes containing the furniture have been all but disintegrated by the rain/drive home.  I had a near miss with the picnic table and my face, thanks to the Wizard of Oz wind going on.  The whole incident was just...stupidly pathetic.

Two days later, I am finally recovered enough to bend...which means, YAY!  I can finally plant the stinkin' garden.  Lucky for me, the buffalo gnats are in season early this year.  There is not enough Buggins spray, vanilla spray, clothing or anything else to keep those little F'ers out of every orifice in my body.  I know this for a fact, because despite being basically covered in spray, I managed to pull a dead gnat out of my butt crack.  You have not LIVED until you find a gnat in your crack.  Not that I'm surprised it went in there and ended up dead...looks like the gnat was the stupid one this time! :)

Last, but not least, last night I had the brilliant idea that I would make beef brisket.  This morning, I got up intending to put that plan into action...only to realize I have nothing big enough to cook it in.  I ended up at Pamida in Havana with a cheapy foil "oven roaster" with no lid, and covered the brisket with more foil when I got home.  I'll let you know who wins the battle of idiocy on this one.

Blogging For Betty

As many of you know, my beloved Grandma Betty recently lost her battle with Stage 4 breast cancer.  I hesitate to even say that she "lost," because there was no way to win, despite her best efforts...and I don't think Grandma Betty ever lost anything in her life! ;)  She was a wonderful woman who was many things to many people, and she IS missed.

Now, before I continue to wax poetic, let me get straight to the point.  I am tired of watching the people I love die and not being able to do a damn thing about it.  SICK. OF. IT!

I have a lot of wonderful, talented friends doing great things for charity.  Lindsay over at Peace, Love and French Fries is one.  It dawned on me during one of my many "highway hypnosis" moments that I'm not helpless and it is about time I step up to the plate and do everything I can to fight. 

This is where Blogging for Betty comes in.

I will continue to blog, as I normally do (not all soapbox rants about the many evils of cancer and death, I promise!) but with one major change.

Starting today, April 19th, 2010 and continuing until June 24th, 2010, I will be donating $.01 for every blog hit (for technologically-challenged, that means every time someone clicks on this blog), $0.25 for every comment you leave on the blog, $0.50 for every Facebook Fan of Growing on Goofy, and $1.00 for every Growing on Goofy follower (see the box on the right for how to join). 

The money generated from Blogging for Betty will be donated to a team walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For the Cure. 

Please remember, you don't have to be a computer nerd to join us in this initiative.  You don't even have to have a Facebook account.  Tell your friends via email, if that's how you want to do it, just SPREAD THE WORD. 

Even one click on this website makes a difference...and to prove that point, I am putting all my friends on blast.  I know you're out there and I FULLY EXPECT each and every one of you to at least come check out this blog.  I don't care if you find it offensive, silly or just plain stupid.  I don't care if you don't care.  I don't care if you have no interest in ever reading this blog again...just do it once.  Or else Grandma Betty will haunt you.  And those of you who knew her...you know there might be some truth to that! :)

White Trash Wednesday

We've all seen them.  They look like they belong on the esteemed pages of PeopleofWalmart.com.

Today, I bring you further photographic evidence that Ridge Rats are everywhere. 

This beauty was seen in the Pekin GameStop parking lot.  I know it's hard to see, but the vehicle had black and white stickers in a semi-straight line down the side that read "I'm in love with a boy from Illinois."  Particularly interesting was that there weren't any women inside the GameStop and all of the employees were straight as an arrow.  Which I'd guess means someone had to drive their girlfriend's car to work?  Bet that was a looooooooooong day at the GameStop.  Then again, whoever it was is probably the only one who's ever kissed a girl, since the staff looked like they all lived in their mothers' basements.

The next two pictures are so...beautiful, they're almost beyond words.  Well, actually, I have two words:  HOT. MESS.

This turd on wheels was seen in the Davenport Sam's parking lot.  Why does it not surprise me that whoever drives this vehicle would buy food in bulk?  You don't have to be an FBI profiler to know that the person who drives this vehicle is an overweight single woman.  But seriously, how much do you want to bet there are fast food wrappers all over the floor of this trainwreck?  Pretty sure it's against the rules to drive this thing if you're not single.  And I'm also pretty sure driving this seals your dating fate forever.  Cats it is!  I really enjoyed the custom sticker job and custom pink bumper, running boards and light covers.  What kind of sick freak would even accept a job like customizing a Ford to this level of horror?  If it weren't for the striking motto on the back window, I might think it was driven by a child molester.  After seeing the first photo, I half expected the back to say "Free Candy!" 

And you know I cannot go without mentioning the EPIC grammar fail.  Everyone see it?  On the "motto?" "Chic" is French and is an out-dated fashion term meaning stylish. It's pronounced "sheek." 

The word she was actually looking for is "chick."  Way to go, moron.

Ridge Rats abound.  Keep your eyes peeled and send me more photos of 4-wheeled nightmares. 

Healthcare for everyone?

I already had a lengthy facebook discussion on this topic, but I really want to expand and hear everyone's thoughts.

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to healthcare, politics should be the least of Americans' concerns.  First and foremost, our concern needs to lie with the actual HEALTH and CARE of our fellow Americans.  It should not matter which side of the political spectrum you fall on.  So far, choosing sides has accomplished nothing...unless you count arguments, bullheadedness and a blatant refusal to consider anything the other side has to say, simply because the "other side" said it. 

I heard a joke recently that, while amusing, ended up making me sad.  The joke is: What's the difference between politicians and infants?  Infants eventually grow up and stop crying.  The "funny" thing is, it just goes to show you what a joke our political system really is. 

(Side note: The same joke was made regarding kU basketball players.  Now THAT is funny.)

Healthcare reform is definitely offering change.  I don't think you have to choose a political side to want change.  You don't have to pick a "team" to want the best for everyone, even if they don't agree with your particular values.  Whatever happened to compromise and working together for the COMMON good, not the Democrat/Republican good?

I don't pretend to know everything about the bill that passed, but let me tell you what I do know: how it affects me and my family.

Maybe people with company health insurance don't realize what goes on when you actually own the company.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty!  The idea of providing incentives for small businesses to offer healthcare to their employees is a great one.  I guess a lot of people don't necessarily think of farmers as "small business owners," but that's the reality.  We reorganized our insurance last year and the result was less coverage for employees and paying for our own coverage rather than being covered by a corporate plan.  Do you guys even know how much coverage costs for a young, healthy married couple who isn't covered by a mass corporate plan?  I do!  Over $400 a month.  I thought those kinds of prices were reserved for the elderly and sick!  And if you want to have maternity coverage, which you better--just in case, you can go ahead and tack on almost $100 extra.  It's outrageous!

I also believe mandating that insurance companies cannot deny infants born with "pre-existing" conditions coverage is a fantastic idea.  I can't believe an infant can have a pre-existing condition to begin with, but if the insurance companies say they can, I say insurance companies need to have some regulations.  Most people have no idea what it costs to care for someone with even a "mild" pre-existing condition (like asthma) but I can tell you that it would make our current insurance plan look like a drop in the bucket.  If you want more details, Heather from Dooce.com has some excellent blogs regarding her personal experience with paying for children's health insurance once they have been deemed "high-risk" based on their "pre-existing conditions."  Scary!

On a mostly related note, I also think the part of this reform that bans insurance companies from kicking you off your plan just because you are unlucky enough to have recurring cancer or other extremely expensive medical issues, is a FANTASTIC one.  Maybe I'm missing something here but that just seems obvious.  And to be totally honest, I didn't even know insurance companies could do that, prior to this reform being passed.  What a disgrace!  As if you don't have enough problems dealing with a little thing like recurring cancer, they could kick you off your insurance and you could go bankrupt paying for treatment that may or may not work and could, in fact, kill you?  What an excellent idea!  Just in case anyone in the entire universe didn't know insurance companies were a-holes, that ought to clarify things.

So let's review my version of the new reform bill:
-Incentives for small business owners to offer healthcare to employees
-Mandatory coverage for people w/ pre-existing conditions (which, btw can include allergies)
-Insurance for people w/ recurring and expensive medical conditions

Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't think that sounds reasonable?  Look it doesn't matter what side of the spectrum I'm on...those things just make SENSE!  And isn't common sense the one thing Washington is missing?  Duh.

Granted, there are a lot of things I don't like about this bill.  I think everyone should have access to health care at a reasonable cost, with the same quality of treatment and doctors.  I don't think the government should require you to pay for health care...I just think you shouldn't be treated if you don't have it.  Why should the government be responsible for your poor judgement?  Most of all, I don't like the cost.  We are already trillions (that's TWELVE zeroes, people) of dollars in debt and this plan costs trillions more.  I understand better than most that you have to spend money to make money, but this is ridiculous. 

Instead of focusing on why everyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong and what you don't like about this plan, focus on coming up with concrete solutions and then DO SOMETHING about it.  Don't like how it went down?  Don't re-elect your representatives who passed it.

This bill isn't perfect.  We can ALL agree on that.  It's a start though. 

Soapbox, completed. 

My bad?

I tease Adam quite a bit, especially in the stories I post.  In my day to day life, I try not to succumb to the "ways of the Ridge" and other moronic moments but, let's face it, sometimes I make a COMPLETE ass of myself.  Fortunately, I have a pretty good sense of humor.  So, I'm going to post an incident that happened about a month ago and let you all decide whether this incident was truly avoidable, or just my first step in learning how to survive in BFE.

It was February, and like most other February days, there were 5 inches of snow on the ground from a few days prior, and it was just starting to flurry again.  I needed to take Bella to the vet for her pink eye, but was hesitant to drive the Cam-uar, as I wasn't 100% certain of the road conditions.  Adam came home about 20 minutes before I had to leave, and told me the roads were fine, nothing was sticking, but they might get bad if the temperature dropped.  He recommended that I take the F150, so I did.  He asked me to put some bills in the mailbox on my way down the road. 

I turned out of the driveway towards the mailbox and was thinking that I needed to be very careful not to scrape his side mirrors on the mailbox.  The reason this particular thought ran through my mind is that whenever I drive the Cam-uar, he freaks out and acts like I'm going to hit the mailbox.  The truck/side mirrors are much bigger, taller, and stick out further than the Cam-uar's mirrors.  Lord knows if anything happened to this truck, I would neeeeeeeeeeever hear the end of it.

I pulled up to the mailbox and I was freakin' proud.  Smooth turn, not even CLOSE to the mirrors, didn't even have to take my seatbelt off to reach into the mailbox.  What a great driver I turned out to be!  And in a truck that I rarely drive!  In fact, one of two trucks I've driven...ever.  I ROCK.

As I was pulling away I heard a soft thump...and I mean teeny tiny SOFT thump.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw snow falling off the top of the truck.  Since the noise was so soft, I literally thought it was the sound of snow falling from the top of the truck onto the mirror. 

I was mistaken.

The sound was the truck fishtailing into the mailbox and knocking it off the post.  Whoops.

The idea of coming home to tell Adam what had happened was less than thrilling but, ultimately, unavoidable.  After explaining the situation, he told me that it was all my fault.  After all...I was driving.  He informed me that "everyone knows the ass end of a truck is lighter than a car's and likely to fishtail."  He said he couldn't believe I would think that 2 full sized steel toolboxes in the bed of the truck, plus weights and chains and various other farm gears/parts would be enough to keep a truck on the road.  He didn't understand why I thought the roads were clear.  What an idiot I turned out to be.

My question is...why?

Why would I think the roads were clear after he told me 20 minutes before that they were?

Why would I think 2 full steel toolboxes and various other heavy crap would help keep a truck on the road, after he told me he put them in there to help weigh it down?

Why in the world wouldn't I be included in the "everyone" who knows that the "ass end of a truck is light," especially considering I have never owned a truck and rarely drive one?

Why did I decide to drive the truck, especially after he suggested it?

Why?

Because I had one majorly unfortunate communication error before I left the house:
I listened to my husband. :)

Yellow Tail: Epic Fail

(In case anyone on Earth missed my Facebook rant on this subject)

Before I begin, I should recuse myself.  My husband is a 3rd generation farmer.  We support the IL Farm Bureau. 

I don't side with all farmers on all issues (political party is a big one)...but when the story about Yellow Tail wine came to my attention, I don't see how you could side with anyone but the farmers.  In case you missed it, here is a short summary of the situation, as unbiased as I can be...with my thoughts below.

Yellow Tail is currently the #1 selling wine in America.  They are based in Australia.  They decided to donate $100,000 to The Humane Society of the United States.  Lest a "good deed" go unpunished, rather than just donate the money and go about their business, they announced their donation.  What they (I'm guessing) did not realize (and neither did I) is that The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and local humane societies are not one and the same.  Local humane societies' goals include finding homes/caring for stray kittens and puppies.  The main goal of HSUS, however, is the elimination of animal agriculture.  They are fighting against cattle farmers in particular.  Once this story hit the news, Yellow Tail tucked its tail and tried to recover, but the backlash has been enormous.  Local Farm Bureaus are accepting bottles of Yellow Tail wine to dump out, and some are even entering you into a drawing for prizes...should you turn in a bottle. 

My feelings on the matter range from total outrage that a company would support such an organization, to sadness that this will (once again) bring out all the farm-haters, to personal satisfaction that complete idiocy is not being rewarded.

My thoughts.
1. Why did a company in Australia feel the need to donate to a group, any group, in the US?  Surely there are charities, especially animal charities, that need donations in Australia.  It's not as if Americans would've been outraged that a foreign wine company donates in their own region... not like we would if American companies donated on foreign soil.
1A. If you did need to donate in a foreign country, maybe for tax reasons, I think Haiti needs the money more than a stray cat.  I love animals, but not as much as I love people.

2. Did the person in the research department get fired over this?

3. I disagree with some of the practices of factory farms.  What many people don't realize, however, is that 90% of farms participating in animal agriculture are family farms.  Many people don't understand that local family farmers are being driven out of business because they don't want to be factory farmers raising chickens for Purdue or Tyson, but they can't compete if they don't work for the big boys.  That's not a choice!

4. If you have issues with animals being fed antibiotics, and I suspect many people do, keep this in mind: the horror stories you see and hear in the media about animals being fed antibiotics in their food daily are stories about FACTORY FARMS not family farms.  And it may interest you to know that in Denmark several years ago, they passed a law banning even low grade antibiotics for their animals.  The result?  The Danish are more antibiotic-resistant than ever, the animals are even more sick, and they had a huuuuuuuuuge salmonella outbreak recently. 
4A. A local hog farmer recently commented that he used to raise hogs outdoors, without antibiotics, and his death and cull rate (% of hogs too sick/small for slaughter or died before they could be slaughtered) was 7%, and antibiotics cost him $7/hog, to treat them when they were ill.  He built a state-of-the-art indoor hog facility and his death and cull rate is now 2% and the cost per hog is $2.05 for vaccines they are given early on (similar to an infant). 
4B. One argument the HSUS likes to make is, (again) against factory farms, that the cows are unhappy because they never get fresh air, never walk around outside, and are cramped in over-crowded feed lot facilities.  Frankly, I don't care about cows' feelings.  I don't want animals to be hurt or tortured...but I'd rather an unhappy cow be slaughtered than a happy one!

Overall, I hope that the general public starts to understand that when you hurt farmers, you hurt America.  It is no more logical to think that all farmers abuse animals than it is to think all police officers abuse people or all teachers run off w/ their students. 

Look at where most farmers are located...not exactly the hub of media activity.  They often don't get the chance to tell their side of things to the media.  All I ask is that you please research and/or ask questions of people who KNOW, not the media, before you form your opinions.

MC PeePants

Wow.  I feel like I'm having a word vomit moment.  Does that happen to anyone else?  You know, when you've said the same thing 200 million times, but a situation deems it necessary to up the total to 200 million and 1?  Word vomit.  It just keeps coming up and you can't stop it. 

I'm hoping everyone reading this is as sick of hearing about it as I am of blogging about it.  It being my "work status."  If you follow me on facebook, you know that my NY resolution is to cease caring about people who judge my decision to quit the Journal-Star.  I joked that although I normally hate people who use this "reasoning,"  I'm going to guess that most of the haters are just jealous.  Frankly, who wouldn't be jealous?  Who would get an opportunity like this and say, "Gee thanks but no thanks.  I think it sounds like a great idea in theory, but I really enjoyed going to 4 yrs of college, busting my ass, graduating with honors and being underpaid, underappreciated and having nothing to aspire to.  Oh, and I really enjoy the 2 hour commute each day too."  Yeah, that would be NO ONE. 

So my theory is that the haters are nothing more than Jealous Jessies.  That must mean I'm pretty freaking AWESOME and have a totally RAD life.  It's kind of sad, really.  Because what the JJs are actually jealous of are THINGS.  We have been very fortunate and we do have some nice things.  But it's pretty UNfortunate that no one seems to focus on what's actually important, like the relationship my husband and I have INSIDE the nice house.  Ok, stepping down from the soapbox.

I honestly wish that all the JJs could have seen just how awesome and totally rad my life really is, up close and personally, this past Friday night.  Perhaps after witnessing Friday night's events, the JJs might just change their JJ tune. 

Friday night, a friend of a friend was in town and wanted to see the "sights" of Goofy Ridge.  Talk about a way to start the evening!  We headed to the Mallard Club and ended up at the Hialeah.  Adam pre-partied and continued his binge throughout the night.  A friend even pointed out that it might be a good idea to lock the door to the laundry room, judging by Adam's state, especially after the infamous "Washing Machine Incident of '09." 

I was woken up at 2:30 AM to Adam shuffling down the hall.  The mental alarm bells went off, as this is how the washing machine incident began.  I hesitated, didn't bother to get up, but called out to ask what he was doing.  I can't recall his response, but whatever it was apparently merited me dragging my fat ass out of bed and checking out the situation. 

Let me set the scene.  I am still half asleep.  My eyes are partially crusted shut because I fell asleep in my mascara.  I have no contacts in, and am therefore basically blind...so the fact that the house is pitch black only complicates matters.  Now.  The hallway outside of our room is mostly tiled, but immediately outside our door is still carpeted.  This is important.

I begin my journey down the hall, stumbling all over the place (since I can't see).   By the time I got both my feet onto the tiled portion of the hallway (approx. 3 ft. from the door), I started screaming.  I was standing in a puddle.  I turned to run towards the light switch and find out what the F I was standing in...and slid down the tile, nearly spraining my ankle.  I'll reserve the ensuing string of 4-letter words for another time.  I flipped the switch, and realized the puddle was only on the tile (whew!) but stretched past the laundry room, around the corner (nearly 2.5 ft.).  And it was a puddle of piss.  So basically what had to happen is Adam got to the end of the carpet, whipped it out and peed all over the floor.  I don't know how one bladder could hold that much liquid but, then again, I'm no expert.  Even more special, past the piss pond, there are wet footprints going down the hall towards the half-bath.  How he could still have to pee is beyond me...but he did.  2 more times.  All over the bathroom floor.  By the time he was done, I was on my hands and knees cleaning up the pee pond.  He appeared out of nowhere and told me I was being an asshole because I was cleaning it up and he could do a better job.  Believe me, I welcomed that proposal, though I highly doubted its merit.  He grabs ONE paper towel, smears the pee all over the floor, including the areas it (miraculously) had not already hit.  He was therefore banned from cleanup duty and proceeded into the bedroom and transformed his nose and mouth into a lawnmower.  Nothing like being woken up to piss all over the floor, being called an asshole for cleaning it up, and then trying to go to sleep with a chain saw in your ear. 

You know how sometimes when you're really pissed, you get all these crazy ideas to try and fix the situation?  Here are the ideas I imagined, then eliminated:
-Murder
-Rubber Sheets
-Handcuffs
-Locking him in the room

As I said, all ideas were shoved aside.  Murder would only cause me more problems, and I don't look good in orange.  Ideas 2-4 all end up with me getting peed ON.

Now, in Adam's defense, he did get out the Swiffer Wet Jet and clean up all the urine residue on Saturday morning.  After I explained Piss Lake. 

So to all those Jealous Jessies out there...maybe you should focus on making your own life better instead of being jealous of mine.  Because clearly Ridge Living is totally AWESOME and RAD.  And if you're still not convinced, I know a yellow lake you can visit...