I'm an Idiot

Do you ever have a week where you do or say so many stupid things that you wonder if maybe you actually were born yesterday?  Welcome to my week.

My friend passed along a recipe for 44 clove garlic soup.  Needless to say, that is a LOT of garlic peeling.  I made the soup, ate the soup, LOVED THE SOUP.  I told my mom about the soup and she informed me that there is a silicon tube gadget that will peel your garlic for you.  What a great invention!  I thought I was being helpful by passing this "new information" along to another friend.  Unfortunately, my friend, along with probably every other human on the planet, does not need this information.  Why?  Because she was already aware that you simply have to slam your palm down on a clove of garlic and the peel will come off all on its own.  Boy did I feel like a moron.

Next, the garden.  Since I've started composting, I thought it would be a great idea to grow some vegetables.  We have the space and I have the time, so why not?  I asked Adam, since it's his job, if he had any helpful hints or tricks.  He said he knows nothing about gardens.  I couldn't figure that out, since what he does is basically a very, very large-scale garden, but I let it slide.  Great, I thought.  Now this will be all "mine."  I can do what I want, how I want, when I want...and he won't have any say!  Super!

My garden is 10x10 and located in an area that was formerly 100% weeds.  Not too sure that was a good idea.  In order to start my garden, I knew I had to till it and pull all the weeds. About 2 hours in, I am hand-pulling weed after weed, when in rolls my husband.  He watches me for awhile, then asks what exactly I'm doing.
Me: I.am.pulling.weeds!  WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
Him: You know you don't have to do that, right?
Me: (silence) What do you mean?  Obviously not, or else I'm just a glutton for punishment.
Him: All you have to do is shovel the dirt, then flip it over.
Me: (silence) What about the weeds?
Him: (silence) They will die when you flip the dirt over. 

That would have been helpful information 2 hours prior, don't ya think? :)  Whatever happened to not knowing anything about gardening, anyway?  Hmm.  Stupid, take II.

The next THREE days, moving was...difficult.  Did that stop me from pure stupidity?  Hell no! 

Over the weekend, we decided to purchase outdoor furniture for the patio.  Did the incoming rain clouds even give us pause?  No.  Duuuh.  We are awesome.  Rain looks at us and turns the other way. 

Or not.  Because, of course, in true Murphy's Law fashion, the minute we pull onto the main drag home, torrential rain commences.  Then, the strap on the trailer comes loose.  Great.  We thought it was fortunate that our friends' house was really close.  Awesome, we can borrow their driveway to fix the strap and get home.  Except we ended up staying and chatting for 3 hours.  Then, when we did try to leave, the truck's battery was dead.  Apparently that happens when you leave the lights on.

Finally, we make it home and the cardboard boxes containing the furniture have been all but disintegrated by the rain/drive home.  I had a near miss with the picnic table and my face, thanks to the Wizard of Oz wind going on.  The whole incident was just...stupidly pathetic.

Two days later, I am finally recovered enough to bend...which means, YAY!  I can finally plant the stinkin' garden.  Lucky for me, the buffalo gnats are in season early this year.  There is not enough Buggins spray, vanilla spray, clothing or anything else to keep those little F'ers out of every orifice in my body.  I know this for a fact, because despite being basically covered in spray, I managed to pull a dead gnat out of my butt crack.  You have not LIVED until you find a gnat in your crack.  Not that I'm surprised it went in there and ended up dead...looks like the gnat was the stupid one this time! :)

Last, but not least, last night I had the brilliant idea that I would make beef brisket.  This morning, I got up intending to put that plan into action...only to realize I have nothing big enough to cook it in.  I ended up at Pamida in Havana with a cheapy foil "oven roaster" with no lid, and covered the brisket with more foil when I got home.  I'll let you know who wins the battle of idiocy on this one.

Yellow Tail: Epic Fail

(In case anyone on Earth missed my Facebook rant on this subject)

Before I begin, I should recuse myself.  My husband is a 3rd generation farmer.  We support the IL Farm Bureau. 

I don't side with all farmers on all issues (political party is a big one)...but when the story about Yellow Tail wine came to my attention, I don't see how you could side with anyone but the farmers.  In case you missed it, here is a short summary of the situation, as unbiased as I can be...with my thoughts below.

Yellow Tail is currently the #1 selling wine in America.  They are based in Australia.  They decided to donate $100,000 to The Humane Society of the United States.  Lest a "good deed" go unpunished, rather than just donate the money and go about their business, they announced their donation.  What they (I'm guessing) did not realize (and neither did I) is that The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and local humane societies are not one and the same.  Local humane societies' goals include finding homes/caring for stray kittens and puppies.  The main goal of HSUS, however, is the elimination of animal agriculture.  They are fighting against cattle farmers in particular.  Once this story hit the news, Yellow Tail tucked its tail and tried to recover, but the backlash has been enormous.  Local Farm Bureaus are accepting bottles of Yellow Tail wine to dump out, and some are even entering you into a drawing for prizes...should you turn in a bottle. 

My feelings on the matter range from total outrage that a company would support such an organization, to sadness that this will (once again) bring out all the farm-haters, to personal satisfaction that complete idiocy is not being rewarded.

My thoughts.
1. Why did a company in Australia feel the need to donate to a group, any group, in the US?  Surely there are charities, especially animal charities, that need donations in Australia.  It's not as if Americans would've been outraged that a foreign wine company donates in their own region... not like we would if American companies donated on foreign soil.
1A. If you did need to donate in a foreign country, maybe for tax reasons, I think Haiti needs the money more than a stray cat.  I love animals, but not as much as I love people.

2. Did the person in the research department get fired over this?

3. I disagree with some of the practices of factory farms.  What many people don't realize, however, is that 90% of farms participating in animal agriculture are family farms.  Many people don't understand that local family farmers are being driven out of business because they don't want to be factory farmers raising chickens for Purdue or Tyson, but they can't compete if they don't work for the big boys.  That's not a choice!

4. If you have issues with animals being fed antibiotics, and I suspect many people do, keep this in mind: the horror stories you see and hear in the media about animals being fed antibiotics in their food daily are stories about FACTORY FARMS not family farms.  And it may interest you to know that in Denmark several years ago, they passed a law banning even low grade antibiotics for their animals.  The result?  The Danish are more antibiotic-resistant than ever, the animals are even more sick, and they had a huuuuuuuuuge salmonella outbreak recently. 
4A. A local hog farmer recently commented that he used to raise hogs outdoors, without antibiotics, and his death and cull rate (% of hogs too sick/small for slaughter or died before they could be slaughtered) was 7%, and antibiotics cost him $7/hog, to treat them when they were ill.  He built a state-of-the-art indoor hog facility and his death and cull rate is now 2% and the cost per hog is $2.05 for vaccines they are given early on (similar to an infant). 
4B. One argument the HSUS likes to make is, (again) against factory farms, that the cows are unhappy because they never get fresh air, never walk around outside, and are cramped in over-crowded feed lot facilities.  Frankly, I don't care about cows' feelings.  I don't want animals to be hurt or tortured...but I'd rather an unhappy cow be slaughtered than a happy one!

Overall, I hope that the general public starts to understand that when you hurt farmers, you hurt America.  It is no more logical to think that all farmers abuse animals than it is to think all police officers abuse people or all teachers run off w/ their students. 

Look at where most farmers are located...not exactly the hub of media activity.  They often don't get the chance to tell their side of things to the media.  All I ask is that you please research and/or ask questions of people who KNOW, not the media, before you form your opinions.

Madness

I don't know what's up in the Peoria Journal-Star newsroom...but it's becoming apparent that they're hating on farmers more and more. It really pisses me off, to be frank. Not only because they are my former employer and (no matter how much I hate them) I believe they can and should do better, not only because my husband is a farmer, but also because I am a resident of the farm communities these derogatory articles speak of.

As a member of the communities and residents being villainized in the media, and a former resident of the communities and residents being unwittingly patronized by these ridiculous articles, I feel it is my responsibility to speak up.

Before I go further, let me reiterate that we are not organic farmers. We are not looking to become organic farmers. We have no issues with organic farmers and, in fact, wish them success in their endeavors.

Last week's Sunday PJS featured 2 front page articles bemoaning the horrors that are crop dusting. They interviewed people who live near farms and have, supposedly, experienced negative side effects from their farming neighbors using crop dusting to spread herbicide and fungicide on their corn. They whined and bitched about the terrible chemical known as 2,4 D. They complained that they were given no prior notification that the farmers crops were going to be sprayed. They complained it was hurting their business ventures. They were upset that TWO children in the entire area became ill after a neighboring farm was dusted.

Knowing nothing about farming, chemicals, herbicides, fungicides, fertilizers and crop dusting...this may all sound truly horrific. Sick kids, surprise low flying planes, damage to a business, etc etc.

But let's all unknot our panties and get our facts straight (in that order).

Number one on my list: Mackinaw Winery. Yes I'm calling you out, you idiots.
The owner, Greg Hahn, was quoted as being quite upset that crop dusting on the farm next to his vineyard had killed or at least damaged some of his grapes. I'm sure that's true. Grapes are one of the easiest plants to kill, especially in the local climate. They are rather temperamental and very high-maintenance. I'd like to note that there is a local winery who also grows their grapes locally, who hasn't had this problem. Their grapes are in a location that isn't so close to farmland. Smart.

If someone came and killed off a bunch of my corn, I'm sure I'd be pretty angry too. But if said corn was planted right next to a driving range, and the reason it died was that it got hit by too many golf balls...would anyone really feel sorry for me? Wouldn't it be my fault for planting corn next to the driving range? So why should anyone feel sorry for Greg Hahn and his grapes?

Number two: the people complaining that they didn't have advance warning of nearby fields being crop dusted.
Anyone who has ever been present during a crop dusting knows, you do not need advance warning. The first time I was home while our crops were being sprayed, I had no idea it was going to be any different than any other day. I had no idea anything was going to happen. No advance warning of any kind. When the crop dusting plane flew over our house (they fly low so as not to waste any of the chemicals they're spraying via chemical drift) I started crying. It scared the piss out of me. The plane was so low, it sounded like we were being bombed. I hit the floor, the dog freaked out, it was quite pathetic, looking back. Once I got off the floor and looked up, saw the plane out the window, I calmed down and that was the end of it. Why would I have needed advance warning? If you can't hear that plane coming well ahead of its arrival, you need to have your hearing checked.
Also, what good would it do if you did have advance warning? If you knew it was coming up, what would change? You shouldn't be outside in an area being sprayed, so if you hear it coming, go inside. I cannot think of a single instance where a person would be required to remain outside even though the fields are being sprayed.

This leads me to my next point: Sick kids from chemical drift
First off, a whopping TWO children were sick from chemical drift last year. TWO. They probably have the most stupid parents in the world as well. Also, for those who aren't clear, when the media says they were "sick," they make it sound like sick with leukemia. Not true. It's more like a sore throat, perhaps a little woozy for a day or 2. You could have those symptoms from going to preschool, the grocery store or being in contact with your own family members.
What I can't figure out, is why these kids were still outside after the crop dusting. Again, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to hear these planes. Even if you couldn't, it smells SO BAD after they're done spraying, that there's no way kids would want to stay outside. Just catching a little whiff with my screen door open, I thought I might pass out. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?! Why did their parents/sitters/whoever not make these kids come inside? The scent goes away in a few hours, I'm sure those kids would have loved to have a legit excuse to come out of the heat and play video games for awhile. I would have made my dog come inside, if it weren't for the fact that she beat me to it. If my golden retriever is smart enough to come in...why isn't your kid?
Then there's that pesky issue of common denominator fault. If you build a house next to a farm, isn't it really your own fault if you experience any chemical drift? If you don't want to deal with it, move back to the suburbs where they most sensory offensive thing sprayed is lilac Febreeze.

Finally, complaints about the "horrible chemicals" in general:
If you want to buy organic, please do. It won't hurt my feelings. But please quit ruining food for the rest of us. In my opinion, unless you are a scientist, farmer or the like, your opinion does not count. Yet none of those people seem to be the ones clogging the media with senseless babble about chemicals. When you work for the FDA, USDA, EPA or CDC, then I will be interested in your opinion.

I've said it before, and I'll say it a million times after this, it should not be a moral issue whether you eat organic or non-organic. It should not be a moral issue how you farm. Farmers are not out to kill the rest of us with their evil chemicals, fertilizers and the like. Farmers, like any other decent human being, stop doing things if it's hurting people. Farmers would be out of business if they were poisoning us all with their food crops.

Farmers are in a thankless, vilified and, more than anything, overlooked occupation. I'd like everyone to really think about where they would be if every farmer decided they wanted a job with a desk, no manual labor, A/C, 9-5 hours, health benefits, promotions, raises, and best of all: the ability to leave their work at work. Instead of complaining about the prices of food (which farmers -contrary to popular belief - have ZERO control over) and the chemicals used to grow it, be thankful that there are people out there who are willing to forgo the comforts of a desk job so you can have food year-round.

Facebook ads

You know your life has taken an interesting turn when the Facebook ads carefully targeted to you are as follows:

1. Hooray for Boobies--which apparently is an advertisement for a play on Broadway.

2. Oregon Wine Country

3. Play the new game "farmville"


Boobs, wine and farms...looks like facebook targeting is improving all the time!

WTF is going on around here?

Larry's day is always an interesting one. Seems I learn something new each week. Last week, we (surprise!) went to Super Sports in South Pekin. Who knew South Pekin was an actual town and not just a specific part of Pekin? Weird.

During this trip I learned of some new local landmarks. My husband likes to make fun of me since I get lost around town a lot. I've tried to explain to him that I need landmarks, not compass directions (Go north of county road 2300 E about 4 miles, blah blah blah. Who even knows what that means? Not gonna happen). Landmarks. When I say landmarks, I mean things such as, hey there's a 2 story white house on the corner. No, not the one with the giant wagon wheels, the next one. Turn there! Or, go past the McDonald's and turn left at the corner. (Sadly, all these are actual directions to my house. At least they no longer include, "turn off the paved road." Well, except when you turn into my unpaved driveway. Whatever.)

During our minivan ride to Super Sports, 2 new landmarks (which I hope to never pass for soon-to-be obvious reasons) were revealed, in all their glory.

1. The Old Deer Piss Farm
No, I am not making this up.

It did bring several questions to mind.
A) Where is it? (so I can be sure to avoid it)
B) Does it still stink?
C) Why is it the OLD deer piss farm? What's there now?
D) More importantly, who would PURCHASE, willingly, a farm known as ODP (old deer piss)? Well, formerly known as. It's like the artist formerly known as Prince, but now just a symbol. What would the Old Deer Piss Farm's symbol be?

Are you down with the ODP? Yeah you know me!

The second landmark, I am literally sad to report. I think this was it's actual name for some time, although no one (surprise, surprise) seems to know it's actual current name. Damn rednecks.

2. N-bomb Lake (I'll let you all take a guess as to which N-word)
Unfortunately, the use of that word is fairly prevalent around here. One stereotype about the country that, at least locally, is absolutely true. It's embarrassing for those of us who are civilized. When you hear that that's the name of a lake...where do you go from there? I was so blown away by the fact that not only was a lake once named this, but that everyone else in the van (except 1) seemed to know exactly what lake the person was referring to.

I had a whole diatribe regarding my thoughts on this "landmark" written here but, suffice to say, shock and awe pretty much sums it up.

There is nothing scarier than ignorance in action.

Sometimes I just sit back in amazement at where life has taken me. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I'd be sitting in a van full of people, driving through BFE-land being lectured on the longitude and latitude of something called N-bomb Lake. Just in case anyone doesn't believe that God has a sense of humor...

Side note: Oddly enough, the vast majority of locals voted for Obama. Just goes to show you how much they hated GWB's farm policies. Even stranger...some who voted for Obama still used that word in reference to him...which blows my mind since I wouldn't think you'd willingly elect someone to be your president if you truly believed they fit the literal definition of the word in question.

Whew, off the soapbox.

On another note, I opened the drawer under my dryer in a rabid hunt for dye magnets...only to find that I'd used them all and forgotten to buy more...and in their place was a drawer full of mouse shit. It never ends!!!
We blocked their entrance from the garage into the house, so now they're trapped in the ceiling and I can hear them running around all day and night. I HATE MICE. Those mofos are going down. I am sick of it. It's gross and loud and dirty in general. Yucko.

What the hell was I thinking?!

Let me sum up the past few days and you can all be the judges as to whether I am cut out for this country lifestyle...

Thursday, my in-laws were visiting (with new trees to plant, so my universe pollution has been downgraded to a category go fuck yourself) and wanted to eat at Larry's (can you blame them?).

Off to dinner we went and during dinner, my wonderful, U of I educated, otherwise intelligent husband commented that since he turned 31 this year, it had been 10 years since he was legally able to drink. He mentioned that he'd tried to calculate how many beers he'd consumed over the last 10 legal years, and figured that if he drank a case a week, he'd end up with 48 cases of beer per year... When a few of us questioned how he came to that final total, he said (with a tone clearly indicating WE were all complete idiots) "well, 1 case times 48 weeks in a year = 48 cases of beer." I'm like yeah, buddy, we got that part...where did the 48 weeks come from? He had no idea. "Well, there are 4 weeks per month (still acting like *I* am the moron here), times 12 months in a year...48 weeks." This went on and on until finally his mother had to explain that the correct math would be 365 days divided by 7 days in a week, totalling 52 weeks in a year. He didn't believe her.

"How can there be 5 weeks in a month?"
"Are all the calendars wrong then?"
"I don't believe you!"
"What do you mean not 5 FULL weeks in a month?"
"How do you account for February then? No months have to have SIX weeks to make up for it, so how do you explain that?"
"What about leap years?"

Wow.

I have a sneaking suspicion that his parents may be writing to U of I and asking for some of that tuition money back.

Maybe it wasn't the excess "smart cells" that would cause his brain to burst....


Sunday, we went to Steak n Shake and got into a discussion about where certain fast food chains started out.

Adam: "KFC, you know that one's from the south. Probably like Louisiana or something."
Me: "Or Kentucky..."
Adam: "...ooooooh. Duh. I meant to say Louisville, not Louisiana."
Me: "Right."
Adam: "Don't tell anyone about this, ok?"

Sure thing, sweetie! :)

Fast forward to this morning. I knew we had some construction crews coming to get the area in front of our garage ready for concrete, as well as bringing white rock in for the rest of the driveway.

I heard them show up and went out to see who was doing what and if they needed anything. I remembered the dog was outside, so I tracked her down and tried to drag her into the house. Bella is known for finding all sorts of lovely treasures, especially since previous construction crews have left lots of garbage everywhere. So far she's found 6 week old chocolate milk still in the container (smelled awesome when accidentally run over w/ a truck. Who knew chocolate milk turns pink after awhile?), rusty nails, bricks, old detergent bottles and etc. Today, she ran up to me with a leather shoelace in her mouth. We don't let her bring garbage in the house, so I grabbed the shoelace, pulled it out, and wouldn't you know...it was not a shoelace.

IT WAS A DEAD FUCKING MOUSE.

I dropped the mouse, started screaming, cussing, didn't even realize the construction crew was staring at me until they were right in front of me asking if I was ok. Apparently I was wringing my hands and staring at the ground...still screaming. I can still feel that nasty mouse tail in my hand. GROSS! Needless to say, the construction crew had a good laugh over that one.

Unfortunately, nasty day was not over.

My car was in the way of the construction crew, so I tried to get the dog into the car and move it down the road. She got in, with the dead mouse back in her mouth.

I dragged her and the mouse out of the car, got back in and moved it alone.

She's been puking up undigested dog food for the last 24 hours, so I wanted to make sure she didn't eat anything else, or get in the workers' way, so I started to drag her into the garage, where she promptly started gagging...and coughed up ANOTHER DEAD MOUSE. 4 minutes of screaming and swearing later, the dog and I were finally mouse-free and indoors. She's been whining ever since. Tough shit, puppy.

Has anyone seen my easy button lately? I need it. Or a shot. Whichever you track down first. Please?!

Things Suburbians Don't Understand...

Advertising professionals everywhere rejoice! The new buzzword organic has hit the streets! Market all your products as organic, regardless of the truth, and earn triple the profits!

Welcome to my series of diatribes about things suburbia needs to get straight. I'm not out to offend anyone. Actually, this idea was born after being offended by a (suburban) family member.

My sarcasm is obvious, but the facts tend to be as clear as mud when it comes to organic vs. non-organic food/farming. I blame the media, largely, for this marketing ploy.

Organic, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is defined as: of, relating to, yielding, or involving the use of food produced with the use of feed or fertilizer of plant or animal origin without employment of chemically formulated fertilizers, growth stimulants, antibiotics, or pesticides (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/organic)

As you can see, that does not mean there are NO fertilizers, pesticides, growth stimulants or antibiotics...just none that are chemically formulated. In fact, a recent study showed that although foods grown with chemically formulated fertilizers and pesticides did have residue from the chemicals used in their growth...so did organic food (but only 1/3 as much). Another study showed that a common "organic" pesticide, when injected into rats, caused Parkinson's Disease. Granted, they have also shown NutraSweet to cause cancer in rats, and that's not shutting Diet Pepsi down any time soon. Hedge your bets accordingly, I suppose.

I am SICK and TIRED of being blamed for single-handedly giving people cancer. Someone said to me recently, "I've seen what Round-Up does to weeds growing in my driveway, I'd hate to think of what it would do to my esophagus." This same person drinks Coke like it's going out of style...Coke...the same product used to clean toilets and eat up the residue from oil spills on the interstate...where is the LOGIC, people?

Since when did eating organic vs. non-organic become a moral compass? In the 1950s, people were shunned because they had pre-marital sex. Now, you can screw all you want, but God forbid you eat an apple not grown with manure for fertilizer! How can you fault someone for wanting a certified, tested, albeit chemical, fertilizer on their apples instead of POOP?!

Most people, myself included at one point, have no idea what constitutes an "organic" label. The people (government) who say what can be classified organic are the very same people (government again!) who administer all the tests of the "evil" chemical fertilizers, and approve them for use on products intended for human consumption. This "moral dilemna" is mind-numbingly insane.

For those of us who live in rural areas, often times, there is little or no access to organic foods within a 50 mile radius. So even if we wanted to eat organically-grown produce, it's not reasonably available.

From a farming standpoint (and yes, our farm does use those demon chemicals), it is very, very costly to farm organically. Not just because the fertilizers and pesticides cost more to manufacture and therefore purchase but, also, because of what the lack of chemical products does to your fields. The weeds that crop up (no pun intended) are almost unbearable, and many times ruin the products you're spending so much money to grow. Even if they don't ruin your fields before the food is ready to harvest, they most certainly will afterwards. Again, this is not a moral decision, this is a financial and labor-related decision. So sue me. Just quit telling the world I'm responsible for cancer. That's ludicrous!

Look, I will never EVER judge someone for what type of foods they choose to consume. It's America. We have that right. I applaud those of you who are healthy, active, informed consumers who care about your bodies enough to want to prevent disease, obesity and anything else. Where I have a problem is when people assume that only those eating organic foods fall into that group. There is NO right or wrong answer. Can't we all just get along?

The Farmer Takes a Wife

So this is where we begin...

In the last year-ish, I:
-Married a farmer
-Moved out of the suburbs
-Became a member of rural America
-Got a puppy
-Quit my job
-Purchased my/our first house

And here I am.

If judging by nothing other than the sheer volume of questions I get regarding farm/rural life, this should be interesting. I hope.

Sooner or later I will have more updates, but it's been killing me that this blog has been sitting around unmanned. Feel free to send your questions/thoughts...just be sure to spell check them first! :)