B&B Hell

Last Friday, I corrected an urban myth.  You see, legend had it that, particularly on specific stretches of 3-4 days during the months of May-October, a horrible thing happens.  St. Louis, an otherwise lovely city, becomes infiltrated with a plague.  Legions of creatures with blue clothing descend upon the city, shouting obscenities and jeering at our fine citizens, all in the name of baseball (though if you don't do anything for 100+ years, does it really count as baseball?  I digress).   Many St. Louis residents believe the legend's most important lesson: There are no ruder creatures on Earth than the very blue-clothed degenerates I just spoke of...Cubs fans. 

The legend stands corrected. 

In fact, I attended Friday night's Cards vs. Cubs game with two such people, and they were perfectly lovely human beings.  I didn't encounter any issues until AFTER the game.

You see, my friend and I planned a trip to St. Louis for ourselves and our husbands.  Since we always stay downtown and visit that scene, we thought it would be nice to do something a little different.  Much to my surprise, considering her poor taste in sports teams, she found a delightful B&B just outside the downtown area.  We realized after perusing their website that the owners were a gay couple, but decided to keep that piece of information to ourselves, as our respective husbands come from small towns and do not encounter many members of the gay population. 

We checked in before the game and were greeted by one of the owners, who was positively delightful.  He helped us with our bags, showed us to our rooms and, most importantly, showed us where the cookie jar was.  I love this guy! 

After the game, we headed back towards the B&B, and ordered an Imo's pizza.  Those of you who have ever tried to order a pizza after a Cardinals game can probably guess the kind of issues I was dealing with on the phone, trying to place this order: sitting on hold, barely being able to hear once they DID answer, and being rushed right off the phone, ASAP...but not without a promise that the delivery person would call when they were on their way.  I didn't think anything of this, considering that is pretty much standard practice, in my experience, when they deliver to a hotel.  We were also told (at 11:10) that it would be at least an hour before the delivery person arrived.  No problem.  We considered ourselves lucky they weren't done for the night.

We got back to our friends' room, which was on a lower floor, and decided to wait there for 45 minutes or so, then go outside and wait, so as not to disturb any other guests or the owners (who live on property).  So you can imagine our surprise when, at 11:55, my phone rings and the delivery man says he's already here.  We never heard a doorbell, a knock, nothing, so we assumed he was waiting outside. 

We were mistaken.  Apparently the doorbell only rings inside the owners' quarters, which is why we never heard it, but it was rung, because the delivery man was inside, standing there with a man who turned out to be the other owner of the B&B.  And the owner was PISSED!

He proceeded to scream at me, and the pizza delivery man, while I was attempting to pay for the pizzas.  At first, I thought he was joking, because he made comments like, "You really ordered pizzas at midnight?"  I learned quickly that he was very serious and very angry.  He began to yell about how he was startled awake in the middle of the night, from a sound sleep, by the doorbell, which kind of scared him, only to find a pizza delivery man standing there.  I apologized repeatedly, and explained that we were told the driver would call when he was on his way and they never called.  I explained how sorry I was for his inconvenience.  The pizza man apologized to me, to him, and for me to him.  He said they usually leave a note if he's supposed to call and there was no note, so he didn't realize he should call.  (Brief aside: I can understand how annoying it must be to be woken up in the middle of the night.  I can understand why he might be worried because they are located in a nice area....but there's a not so nice area a few blocks away.  It's not like I don't realize there was a "party foul" committed.) 

Did both my and the delivery man's apologies stop the screaming?  HELL no.  It just got worse!  As the pizza man was leaving, the owner began ranting and raving "This is so rude and outrageous!  I'm sorry but this kind of thing just pisses me off.  I'm the innkeeper and I live here too and my doorbell gets rung in the middle of the night and it's a pizza delivery guy?  Who orders pizza at midnight? Are you kidding me?  What are you, in a gang?" 

A gang?  Really?  REALLY?!  I understand the startled state and the frustration, but when you hear that a person orders a pizza at midnight the first thing you think of is that perhaps they're in a GANG? 

W....T....F?!?!

Now is as good a time as any to mention that I was wearing navy linen shorts from Gap, and a gray tshirt from VS with red glitter and the word "love" written multiple times across the back.  What kind of gang has a uniform of linen shorts and glitter/love?  The gay gang?  The Britney Spears Club?  Oh, I know, the infamous Former Sorority Girl Gang.  Give me a freakin' break, dude. 

I think, perhaps if I hadn't been so busy trying to not to cry, I would have laughed in his face.  But, the reality is, I was humiliated and terrified because this guy seemed totally unstable.  In fact, the only reason this whole encounter ended, was because (even after my continued apologies and promises it wouldn't happen again) this bitchy queen finally stomped off (literally, stomped) waving his hands frenetically and saying "Fine, whatever, just GO eat your (insert sassy at-ti-tude tone here) PIZZA and I'll see you at breakfast."

But we didn't see him at breakfast.  In fact, we didn't see him at all the rest of our stay there.  To be totally accurate, since I was the one who went down to get the pizza, I'm the only one who ever saw him at all.  If it hadn't been for this incident, neither my husband nor my friend's husband would've ever known there WAS another owner. 

The incident was never mentioned by the original (polite) owner.  No apology was ever given.  No free night's stay offered.  Nothing.  I guess they're pacifists.  Whatever.  Frankly, the queen diva is lucky I came down to pick up the pizza and not one of our drunken closed-minded husbands.  It could have been a lot worse, and I am (seriously) thanking God that it was me downstairs and not them. 

What's really unfortunate is that (other than the infamous "pizza throwdown") it is a beautiful B&B, very comfortable with large rooms.  The breakfast was good, the nice owner knew just how long to chit chat and when to leave you alone, as if it were a 6th sense almost.  The location is excellent, very close to downtown, but also close to more unique shops and restaurants.  Unfortunately, we will never return. 

The Goofy Food Gang (or Muffin Top Clan, whatever you prefer) will spend our money elsewhere.

Goofy Ridge, This Link's for You!

This study was conducted for my entertainment.  I know it.  Just when I think nothing is going on in the world, this little gem arrives on my desktop.  Thank you MSNBC.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38474231/ns/health/

For those of you too lazy to click a link, here is a summary of the situation:

-It's titled "Meth Use in Pregnancy Endangers Mom and Baby."  Well, no shit. 
-Ido Solt, a doctor at Cedars-Sinai in LA treated three pregnant women in the ICU for uncontrolled high blood pressure.  '"The common denominator was methamphetamine use,' Solt told Reuters Health."  This guy is a genius! 
-Then, instead of reporting these women to the police for child endangerment, illegal drug purchase/use, whatever, he and his colleagues decided to do some research on them.  They studied 276 meth-using pregnant women who gave birth in a hospital in Phoenix, and compared them to the control group of 34k women who value their babies' health...er...did not use meth.  To the shock of absolutely no one, "on pretty much every measure Solt and his team looked at, methamphetamine users and their babies fared worse." 
-"Faring worse" included: 50% of the babies being born pre-term, 29% via C-section, 20% with uncontrollable high blood pressure and, in a whopping 10%, the placenta separated from the uterus before birth.  Not cool.  Oh, and let's not forget the 4% that died shortly after birth.
-I think my favorite, if there can be a favorite, part of this article is the section where they state that one might think it would be easy to ID a meth user, whether pregnant or not, many of the typical signs of methamphetamine usage (gaunt figure, rotten/missing teeth, skin issues) were not present in these women.  So you're telling me pregnant women aren't rail thin?  NO WAY! 

So there you have it, Ridge Rats, listen up.  Even copious amounts of methamphetamine won't get rid of that baby belly. 

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?

My apologies for the techno difficulties we've been experiencing as of late.  I think they are all resolved now, so make sure to notice the new iTunes links on the right side of this page, which will take you directly to the iTunes store. I also have a new search function, on the right side of this page as well...just in case you think I said something so hilarious you want to share it with your friends, but don't have the time to scroll through 100 blog posts to find it.  You're welcome. :)

Moving right along...Sunday was unintentionally interesting.  Adam and I were watching True Blood when his phone rang.  We ignored it...because we were watching True Blood.  Duh.  Then my phone started ringing immediately after his quit, so we thought we better pause our vampire show, since something important might need our immediate attention.  At the time, I couldn't think of anything that would be more important than whether Sookie would live or die but, alas, I was wrong.

On the phone was our good friend who drove past our house on her way home.  When I answered, the first thing she said was "I don't mean to freak you out but (which of course makes you freak out more) you need to call the police and lock your doors right away."   Oooook?
Apparently on the drive past our house, she noticed a Grand Am parked in the middle of the road, between our house and our old house (which Adam's cousin rents).  Both doors on the Grand Am were wide open and apparently 2 scurvy looking guys were wandering in the street, with no shoes on, although their shoes were in the middle of the road as well. 

I did make sure to lock the doors, but before I called the cops, I wanted to call Adam's cousin and make sure she didn't know something about these people/the car in case it was one of her friends playing a joke on her or something.  That would be embarrassing.  "What'd you do Sunday night?"  "Oh nothing, just called the cops on my cousin's friends because they were barefoot."  Right.  So I called down there and she not only didn't know anything about the situation but couldn't even see the car or the people my friend called about.  I went outside and, wouldn't you know, I couldn't see them either.  A car doesn't just disappear, especially a parked one...wtf? 

We hung up and said we'd both lock our doors and keep our eyes out for strange activity/people.  As soon as I sat down, the phone rang again, and Adam's cousin was whispering that she still couldn't see the car but those 2 guys were on her property because she could hear every word they were saying.  Now she's sufficiently freaked out because they look like they're on something, and she has 4 kids.  So she sends her fiance out to see what they're doing, and sure enough, there are the 2 weirdos right in their driveway, standing under the telephone pole.  Her fiance drives up, and immediately the 2 guys start asking if he can give them a ride.  Naturally, he declined, but was polite about it.  Not that his good manners mattered much because they immediately started calling him a "N***** bitch."  (Her fiance is white...so not only is that a totally inappropriate and racist comment, it doesn't even make sense.)

No matter how polite her fiance was, they kept screaming obscenities at him (a sure way to get a stranger to help you, I might add) until he told them he was going inside to call the police and they should leave.  When he got a hold of the cops, the dispatcher already knew the exact street number, had received several complaints already, said someone was on the way, but the officer was coming from Bath, so it "might be awhile."  The fiance promptly alerted the dispatcher that that was great, but if the 2 turds came back and start causing trouble, he wasn't going to wait for the police to take care of the situation.  I guess that comment made the police nervous because 2 minutes later, I got another phone call from Adam's cousin asking if I'd seen the creeps because the officer was driving up and down our road and he couldn't find them.  I appreciated her asking, but it's not like I was sitting outside in the dark waiting for some stupid ridge rats to come and rob me blind.  No, I had not seen them.  Buuuuuut I went outside to look anyway, and I could hear them talking, just past the treeline next to our driveway.  Great.  Luckily, the cop happened to find them about 10 seconds after I did, so I just sat on the porch and listened. 

I couldn't make out the whole conversation but from what I did hear, they told the officer that they were "just walking home" and "stopped in the driveway so they could see where they were going" (which makes no sense...if you're on your way home...don't you know where you're going?  Especially if you're WALKING?) and that "the guy at the other house down the street came out and started yelling at us." (Not true, and of course the cop knew it.)

After that, most of what I heard was this crazy, "I'm on something wicked" kind of laugh.  Not a stoner laugh, we all know what that sounds like.  This was really high-pitched and just not right.  Needless to say it was obvious to everyone who heard it that these 2 ridge rats were tweakin' big time.  Eventually the cop did let them go, but he was nice enough to stop and pick their shoes up out of the road. 

The next morning Adam and his cousin's fiance were both out and about early for work and each of them noticed that there were a pair of girls' flip flops out in the road as well...so now we are wondering whether the car that our friend initially reported was driven by some girl, and she kicked them out and drove off and left their dumb butts behind. 

All I can say is, if you're going to steal a car, you have to be dropped off by someone...so, local friends, quit leaving your keys in your cars and your doors unlocked.  Never knew when tweaker dee and tweaker dumb might be back.

Mason County Strikes Again!

Mike Armstrong, a comedian billed as a hilarious ex-cop, was scheduled to perform this weekend at Mason City Limits, a local comedy club.  Adam, myself and our friends Randy and Keri decided to check it out.

We sat along the side wall, and some random dude on the other side of Keri started a very random and very odd conversation.  I think he ended up talking mostly to himself, as neither Keri nor I showed the slightest bit of interest in his completely one-sided dialogue about all the comedians he's seen and where he saw them.  Who cares, right?

At this point, the show was getting ready to start so we figured it was a good time to avoid the random redneck and use the restroom before anyone came on stage. 

You know it's going to be a great night when, right after you leave for the restroom, the Chatty Kathy says loudly enough that both your husbands hear, "Whew!  I'm gonna have to take my wedding ring off!"

Stay classy, Mason County.

Lasik Lowdown

Most of you know that I had LASIK surgery on Tuesday.  I've gotten a lot of questions about whether the procedure hurt, how it works, how much it costs, etc.  So I'm going to answer all the questions right now.  Before I start, I should say that I don't think any of this is gory or overly graphic, but if you have a really weak stomach, you might want to pass on this blog. 


The first step is to meet with a doctor and discuss whether you're a good candidate for the surgery.  This is based on your age, how long you've been in glasses/contacts, what your prescription is and how long that prescription has remained constant.  For example, I'm 27, I've had glasses since I was 10, contacts since 13, my prescription was -3.5 in my left eye and -4 in my right eye.  I've had that prescription for at least 3 years.  All those things combined made me a good candidate for LASIK.


If you decide to go ahead with LASIK, and you are a full time contacts wearer, you have to be out of your contacts for at least 2 weeks before the surgery.  The reason for this is that contacts act sort of like a girdle for your eyes, holding everything in place...then when you're out of contacts for awhile, things sorta fall back to where they would normally be...and this can change your prescription and, therefore, how much needs to be surgically corrected with LASIK. 

Two to five days before your surgery, you have to get your eyes dilated.  That just involves some drops and an eye exam.  The reason for this is they need to measure the size of your pupils.  One of the reasons a lot of people don't like LASIK, especially younger people, is because they tend to have halos at night, especially while driving.  This is usually because when you're younger,  your pupils are naturally larger, and regular LASIK's first step is to use a blade to cut a flap in your cornea...this doesn't leave a visible scar, but there is a scar.  When your pupil dilates past the point of that scar, that's when you have the halos.  I didn't want to deal with that, especially since I have "above average large pupils."  So I went to a doctor (Scott Pinter at Eye Surgical Associates in Bloomington) who exclusively uses a procedure called Intralase.  It uses a laser the entire time, and this is supposed to eliminate the halos. 

The day of your surgery, you take 2 Advil an hour before your surgery, then you come into a regular room, they give you some numbing eye drops, and you hang out for a little while until they kick in.  Some doctors give you a sedative as well, but Eye Surgical Associates doesn't, because the surgery is so fast that by the time the drugs kick in, the surgery is over.  Then you walk into the surgery room, which is pretty plain, a bunch of machines, a bunch of nurses, and a bed, very similar to a dentist's chair but flat.

Once they have you situated on the bed, they put a little ring around your eyeball to cut off the blood vessels temporarily.  You stare straight ahead at a little red light, and before you know it, the laser is cutting the corneal flap.  It doesn't hurt at all, but this is probably the "worst" part of the entire surgery.  It feels like a little pressure, that's all.  Then they do the same thing to your other eye.  After both eyes have flaps cut, they take the little ring off, and put this device onvto hold your eyelids open, which I thought (before the surgery) would be the worst part but, in reality, I barely noticed it.  Then they have to flip back the flap with this little tool.  It doesn't hurt, even though it sounds like it would.  There are nurses there the entire time, one holding your hand, and at least one or two telling you what they're doing at every step, throughout the procedure.  It's nice to know what's coming up, even though there's nothing you can do about it.  Flipping back the flap is probably the second "worst" part, because while they're doing it, you have to hold your eye still, looking at the red light again, but once they start moving that flap, it looks like that red light is moving all over the place, so it's a very similar feeling to being drunk and having the spins.  I thought that I might throw up because I was so dizzy.  For some reason, it was only like that on my right eye though, the left eye was totally fine.  Once the flaps are flipped back, they can begin the laser surgery.  You don't feel a thing while that laser is going, you just stare at the dang red light again until it's over.  They even count backwards for you so you know how many more seconds the laser has left.  The only thing I noticed about this part of the procedure is a slight burning hair smell...and when I say slight, I mean the laser was almost done before I noticed anything, and I laid there thinking..."hmm, I think I smell something, what's that?  Oh...that's probably my EYE THEY'RE BURNING OFF! Oh boy." 

Once both eyes are done, they put the flaps back down, put some lubricant drops on them and then let them dry for a minute.  After that, they help you sit up and you're done.  Literally, the whole procedure took maybe 10-12 minutes...and most of that was flipping the flaps back at the beginning and putting them back down at the end.  The actual laser was only on for 31 seconds on my left eye and 34 seconds on my right eye...so barely over ONE MINUTE.  I cannot express to you how bizarre it is to think that my whole life of glasses and contacts is gone, over, done, in ONE MINUTE.  One minute can change your life!

When you sit up, it's a little foggy, sort of like you've been in a hot shower too long...but you can see!  I thought I was going to break into tears when I sat up and I could make out the nurse's face!  Never in my life, even when I knew I was having LASIK, did I imagine I would ever be able to just sit up and see, without glasses or contacts! 

I walked on my own, all the way back to the examining room we started in, they took a quick look at the corneas, explained my new eye drop regimen (FOUR sets of drops, one once an hour to keep your eyes from being dry, one once and hour to help reduce swelling, one 4 times a day as an antibiotic to prevent infection, and one more one-time-only that day, that's basically a super lubricant), gave me some goggles that I had to wear 24/7 until I saw them for my next-day check up, and I went home.

You go home, sleep for about 3 hours, hang out, watch TV, check your email, whatever you want.  You can do anything!  It's amazing!!!!!

The next morning, I had my post-op checkup, which was really quick and easy.  The doctor said I was doing "fantastic" for less than 24 hours after surgery, and after testing my vision with the normal eye chart, he pronounced that I can now see 20/15.  Before surgery I was seeing 20/420.  Quite an improvement, I'd say!  :) 

I do still have a little bit of a glow around brightly lit objects, but there's less and less every day, and they tell me it will eventually go away, as my cornea stops swelling. 

I recommend this surgery to anyone and everyone who can get it.  Do it now.  You won't regret it!

Save the Grandmas, Save the World!

Thank you all for your patience while I totaled up the Blogging for Betty site hits, comments, facebook friends and followers.  I had every intention of posting this blog on Monday, but I forgot that I'd have a crap load to do that day since my LASIK surgery was the next day. 

I will post later with a full blow-by-blow of the LASIK procedure, as the surgery details seem to be a popular topic of conversation lately.  Bottom line, I am seeing 20/15 less than 24 hours after LASIK.  If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what is. 

Back to our charitable donation totals!  Your efforts really paid off for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure.  Thanks to all of you, we raised $78.84!  Quite a bit more than I thought, but that's a great thing! :)  And, just to make it a solid round number (our accountant likes those!), I'll chip in a little extra and make it $80! 

Once again, my faithful readers surprise and amaze me!  The donation will be made today to 3-Day Walk for the Cure and, since every little bit helps, I hope to do this again next year.  Save the Grandmas!

Blogging for Betty: The Grand Finale

WARNING: This may be a tearjerker.

First, I want to start by saying thank you to all of you who became Facebook friends w/ this blog, "liked" this blog and commented on this blog for the past month+ of Growing on Goofy's 1st charitable endeavor: Blogging for Betty.  It means the world to me and my family that so many people care.

I struggled for most of this event, trying to figure out how to best sum it up.  How do you sum up the life and influence of one of the central figures in your life?  Well, my conclusion is...you don't! 

Anyone who has lost a grandparent, especially a same-sex grandparent who was a central figure in your life, knows how difficult it is.  You feel as though part, if not all, of your childhood dies with them.  And even though it's usually inevitable that your grandparents pass away before you, it still sucks.  I hesitate to say that it's worse when the death is unexpected (you can't say goodbye) or unpreventable (horrible diseases like cancer) than it is when old age simply claims them, but it's safe to say it's different. 

Our family experienced both ends of the spectrum.  One grandmother came out of brain surgery awake and talking, only to pass shortly after.  The other, of course, fought for over a year to rid her body of cancer, and ultimately lost that fight. 

I'd like to sum up this Blogging for Betty event by writing about how my life has changed since her passing. 
Yesterday, my sister and I realized that when she gets engaged/married, when either of us have kids, basically any major future life event...there will be no grandma to call.  No grandma to get advice from about crazy bridesmaids, your kids, your marriage, your LIFE.  Kristin and I were fortunate to always have "Grandma 911" when we were younger.  "Grandma 911" is when we kids got frustrated with our parents "not listening to/understanding" us, we could always call Grandma, and she would listen/understand and give advice accordingly (whether we asked for it or liked it, or not.  More often...not. :))  So, to the grandparents of our future children, I'd like to say, STAY HEALTHY.  I want my kids to have a Grandma 911 too. :) 

Little things are different too...not always sad things.  I pay more attention to rainbows and butterflies.  I trust my instincts more often.  I'm closer to my mom and other female relatives now.  I cry easier...but only because I have everything I want...and I appreciate it so much more now that I know what it's like to have the people and things you love taken away.

Like I said, you can't sum up the life of someone like Grandma Betty.  You can't close the door on her death as if it's just another chapter.  But what you can do is remember that her spirit, and the spirits of all the grandmas that have gone before her, remain alive, even if only in our hearts. 

I'm counting all site hits, friend requests and comments through the end of today, what would have been Grandma's 72nd birthday.  I will try to post the end result, which will be donated to the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure, by the beginning of next week.  Thank you all again, for everything.