Small Town Tag

I've often blogged about how everyone in my area seems to tell me to keep everything a secret, including mundane things that I would never have second guessed...like announcing on Facebook that we are going on vacation.
Them: "Oh no, don't say that!  Then everyone will know!" 
Me: "Uh...yeah, that's why I posted it on Facebook!" 
Them: "I can't believe you would tell everyone that you're going on vacation!" 
Me: "I can't believe you don't get excited enough TO tell everyone you're going on vacation." 
Them: "Yeah, but then they will know you're not home and someone could come rob your house!" 

Ok, first of all...no one in this area has an alarm on their house (probably not supposed to say that either).  So if you were the kind of person who wanted to break in (ie the kind of person who has no regard for their own life and/or shotguns), you could do it any day, not just while we're on vacation.

 Second, if you're my friend on Facebook (or anywhere else for that matter) I would hope you wouldn't want to rob my house (plus now my suspect list is narrowed down.  "Officers, question all 412 facebook friends right away!!  Oh, and don't forget my 11 blog followers!") 

Third, if you're REALLY my friend, you probably know where the spare key is hidden (or if there is one). 

And last but not least, if you are truly my friend, you know that we don't have anything worth stealing!  Broken flat screen tv?  It's all yours.  Target Christmas rug?  Watch out, it bleeds in the washing machine.  Router?  It's only been struck by lightning once, so you might get something out of that. 

People are stupid.  But even with all of the above being said, I STILL did not realize just how efficient the Small Town Telephone Tag really can be.  It's like a sick and twisted phone tree.  Case in point:
Last week Adam sent me to the auto parts store for a product to remove all the water from the diesel in his engines.  (Clearly, I knew exactly what I was looking for...NOT.)  I ran into a friend, Richie, in the parking lot.  He was leaving as I was going in.  The store did not have enough of what I was looking for (Hell, it was a miracle they could even understand what I was talking about, let alone have any of the actual product in stock!), so I had to go to the other auto parts store.  I ran into Richie again at the 2nd auto parts store and he informed me that my tags were expired on my plates.  Sure enough, for the second year in a row, I never got them in the mail and they expired in October.  Great.  I leave the auto parts store and head across town (maybe 3 miles) to the grocery store.  The goal is to get in and out...so I buy a case of Bud Light and a gallon of milk and hit the road.  (Hey, it's a recession...we're down to the bare necessities.) By the time I pulled out of the parking lot, my husband called and told me I need to go across the street to replace my expired tags.  I'm like...how did you know?  Apparently, in the time I drove across town, bought the necessities, and got in my car, Richie called our mutual friend Randy, who called Adam.  Randy and Adam had been on the phone for 10 minutes before Adam called me.  I guess it's nice that they were all concerned...but don't think I don't know that if any of the 3 of them would have seen me with a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or a giant spider in my hair...nary a word would've been spoken. :)  Good thing it was just a license plate. 

FINALLY!

I'm back from our 5 day vacation. More important than anything that happened on our trip(s) is this:


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31936605/ns/business-washington_post/

Crocs could FINALLY be dead. THANK YOU JESUS! Adios to the fugliest shoes (aside from closed toe mandals) on Earth.

Mickey III

You guessed it. Mice (or meeses, as Adam would say) still live in Chateau de Goofy. (Is it too presumptuous to give your own house a name? Do people in Mason County know how to pronounce chateau? And I digress...) Adam says he saw another one, and Bella definitely dug one up for the Jehovah's Witnesses that stopped by a few days ago. Luckily all 4 stayed outside (2 JWs, Bella and her mouse, that is).

Speaking of Jehovah's Witnesses, this was a particularly interesting visit. Last year they stopped by our old house (down the road) when I was the only one home, greasy from working in the yard (ie pissed off that I was alone, dirty, prevented from continuing yard work--if I'd rather continue yard work than talk, you know it's bad--and that I had to deal with these loons anyway) and etc. The lady claimed to be from out of state, visiting a congregation in Pekin, heard how bad the area was, and so they headed our way. Great. She stayed and talked for probably 30 minutes, and nothing I said could shake her. Fast forward to this year.

2 ladies show up (and a dude who stayed in the car that I didn't see until they were leaving -- go figure, men stay in the A/C and drive). I hadn't showered, spent the morning cleaning and dealing w/ the dog's antics (again, pissed off) and didn't want ANYONE to see me in my nasty, smelly state. Oddly enough, I didn't feel bad about smelling like ass for the JWs.

The dog ran out the door w/ her bone (because all new visitors are greeted this way), and the same damn lady from last year is standing at the door, along w/ her taller, older accomplice. They start yammering away about how the lady is from Michigan and just visiting the area, etc etc. Same old song and dance. They even have the exact same book (The Watchtower) full of Bible verses and information. Even though their first question is whether I believe in Jesus as my Savior or as a great man who lived a long time ago, and my answer is that I have gone to church since I was born and do regard Jesus as my Savior, continue to go to church now, and am not a JW, this does not stop her. Motor mouth blabs on and on about how helpful the book is, which I already know since she gave it to me herself last year. Finally she tries to sum up by telling me that I should read this book along with my Bible and it will answer all my questions. Unfortunately, that did not sum it up because a few things happened in a blur.
1. The taller lady standing behind Motor Mouth started talking for the first time, and made some wide hand/arm gestures, and accidentally smacked MM in the face. Apparently the taller woman is blind. It was really hard to hold it together at that point.
2. What the blind woman was trying to ask me was that if I had any questions while reading the book, would I like to have her congregation contact me? First off, I already told you I have a church and am not now, nor will I ever be interested in becoming a JW. Second, and most importantly, you just told me this book would answer all my questions...so which is it?
3. After the contradiction and me telling them I would not like to be contacted again, by anyone, and the blind woman hitting MM in the face, they tried to leave, so I figured I better collect the dog since she has an annoying habit of trying to escape via whatever visiting vehicle happens to be in the driveway. (God help our future children.) I made a comment about finding the dog and they go, oh she's right here playing with her booooooooooooooo......and never finished. It was not the bone. It was a dead mouse. Lord only knows if she killed it or the Lord smote Mickey III to save me from my trials and tribulations (MM and Sir Smaxalot). Either way, major props to the big guy in the sky for his comedic timing. It really was on point that day.
Thankfully, like all God's creatures, Mickey III did not die in vain, but served a purpose -- the JWs left pretty quickly after that. WOOT!

A few things to note after the experience though.

1. I accidentally locked the front door, therefore locking myself out of the house. Well, I didn't accidentally lock the door, I did that as soon as I opened it and saw MM and Sir Smaxalot standing there. I accidentally CLOSED the door and accidentally locked myself out. As I walked around to the garage, I noticed that apparently talking to me, stalking me and handing me their ridiculous book of contradictions was not enough, they also put a pamphlet in my garage door. That really pissed me off. GO AWAY PSYCHOS!
2. MM mentioned that she would have to go back to Michigan soon, as she couldn't afford to take a longer vacation than planned.

Vacation. VACATION?!?!

God forgive my complaining about a smaller-than-requested room in Aruba.

This is some people's idea of a vacation ?! And I thought I'd had some crappy trips. Wow.

I am reminded of a comedian who played here locally several months ago, who was reminiscing about his childhood and how, when there was a thunderstorm with lightning, his parents would run around the house, turning off lights and unplugging things, and demanding the kids do so as well. His childhood brain presumed if the lights were all off that must mean the lightning wouldn't know they were home, and pass them by. He referred to the lightning as the Jehovah's Witness of the sky. :)